


Steven Universe on Crack

by THE_REAL_DEVIL_459



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Action, Action/Adventure, CRACKHEAD, F/F, F/M, Fights, Gem Fusion, Gen, M/M, Multi, Other, Profanity, War, Weed
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-20
Updated: 2020-04-27
Packaged: 2020-10-24 10:34:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 22,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20704541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/THE_REAL_DEVIL_459/pseuds/THE_REAL_DEVIL_459
Summary: Literally every Steven Universe episode, but Steven is on crack





	1. Chapter 1

We,  
Are the Crystal Gems,  
We'll always save the day,  
If y'all don't stop lyin',  
We'll always find a way,  
That's why the people of this world,  
Believe in,  
Garnet,  
Amethyst,  
And Pearl,  
Why the fuck are we singing?


	2. Gem Glow

Steven: YO!! WHAT THE FUCK?!! LARS!!! FUCKING EXPLAIN THIS BULLSHIT!!!  
Lars: Chill out man, I’m stocking here!  
Sadie: I’m sorry, Steven. I guess they stopped making them.  
Steven: Stopped making them?! Why the fuck would they stop making Cookie Cats?! They're the only things up in this mug that don't taste like shit!  
Lars: Tough bits, man. Nobody buys them anymore. I guess they couldn’t compete with Lion Lickers.  
Steven: Man, fuck Lion Lickers! Nobody fucking likes them! The shits don’t even look like fucking lions! The kids on this planet are fucking retarded.  
Lars: Well, if you miss your wimpy ice cream so much, why don’t you make some with your "magic belly button"?  
Steven: Go eat a dick Lars. *Sighs* I'm gonna miss those shits.  
Sadie: Do you want to take the freezer with you?  
Steven: Fuck yeah bitch!

*Steven runs to his house*

Steven: Y'all won’t believe this shit!  
*Steven is suddenly attacked by a Centipeetle. The Centipeetle roars, as Steven screams his head off.*  
Amethyst: 'Sup, Steven?  
Steven: This is dope as shit! What the fuck are these things?  
Pearl: Ugh! Sorry, Steven. We’ll get these Centipeetles out of your room. We think they were trying to get into the temple.  
Steven: Don't trip. You ain't gotta get rid of 'em.  
*The Centipeetle that Pearl is holding spits acid onto the floor. Steven and Pearl look down into the new hole.*  
Amethyst: *poofs a Centipeetle and picks her nose* Um, you guys? These things don’t have gems.  
Garnet: That means there must be a mother somewhere nearby.  
*A Centipeetle sneaks up from beside Garnet and she quickly punches it causing it to poof.*  
Pearl: We should probably find it before anyone gets hurt.  
Steven: Oooh! Can I help kick its ass?! Can I? Can I?  
Pearl: Steven, until you learn to control the powers in your gem, we’ll take care of protecting humanity, okay?  
Steven: Ah shit.  
*Steven notices a Centipeetle raiding the fridge*  
Steven: Hey! Get the fuck out of there! Ah fuck! They got into everything! Fuck y'all!  
*Garnet punches and poofs it as Steven notices that the fridge is full of Cookie Cats*  
Steven: No fucking way. Where did y'all get these?! I thought they stopped fucking making them!  
Pearl: Well, we heard that, too, and since they’re your favorite...  
Amethyst: We went out and stole a bunch.  
Pearl: I went back and paid for them.  
Garnet: The whole thing was my idea.  
Amethyst: It was everyone’s idea.  
Garnet: Not really.  
Pearl: All that matters is that Steven is happy.  
Steven: I can't believe you bitches did this. I’m gonna save these shits forever! Right after I eat this one.  
*Steven unwraps the cookie cat and takes a bite out of it*  
Amethyst: Uh, Steven...  
Steven: What the fuck? My gem!  
Amethyst: Quick, try and summon your weapon!  
Steven: Bitch I don’t know how! It's turning off! How do I make it come back?!  
Pearl: Calm down, Steven. Breathe, don't force it.  
Amethyst: Yeah, and try not to poop yourself either.  
Garnet: Please, don't.  
*The gem's glow fades*  
Steven: Damn, I was real close that time! Can one of you hoes just explain how to summon a fucking weapon?  
Pearl: Oh, I'll go first!

*Later at Pearl's favorite tree*

Pearl: Pay attention to these petals, Steven. The petals' dance seems improvised, but it is being calculated in real-time based on the physical properties of this planet. With hard work and dedication, you can master the magical properties of your gem and perform your own dance! *summons spear* Like so.

*Later at the Big Donut*

*Steven picks up a pile of petals and tosses them in the air*  
Steven: Nyeh!  
Amethyst: Did Pearl tell you the "petal thing"?  
Steven: Yeah, I gotta practice real hard so I can dance like a tree... I think.  
Amethyst: Listen Steven, all that practice stuff is no fun. Whenever I need to summon my weapon, it just happens.  
*Amethyst summons her whip and breaks a garbage container in two*  
Amethyst: See? Didn’t try at all.  
*Lars runs out back and drops trash bag*  
Lars: Huh?! Again?!

*Later at the lighthouse*

Steven: So I'm supposed to work real hard and not try at the same time?  
Garnet: Yes. Or... you could link your mind with the energy of all existing matter. Channeling the collective power of the universe through your gem, which results in—  
*summons her gauntlets*  
Garnet: At least that’s my way of doin’ it.

*Later at the temple*

Steven: I think my gem will glow if we did what happened earlier. So... Garnet and Amethyst were here. Pearl was next to the fridge. Hmm. Amethyst, I think your arms were crossed?  
Amethyst: Okay, your majesty.  
Steven: And Pearl, your foot was like this.  
Pearl: I don't think it works this way, Steven.  
Steven: And Garnet, uh... *moves her face upward* Yeah.  
Steven: Then I took a bite of this Cookie Cat.  
*Steven's gem doesn't glow*  
Steven: I’m not a real Crystal Gem.  
Pearl: Don't be silly, Steven. Of course you are.  
Amethyst: And you’re fun to have around, even if your gem is useless.  
*Pearl glares at Amethyst*  
Amethyst: I... mean, you’re one of us, Steven. We're not the Crystal Gems without you!  
Steven: Yeah, even if I ain't got powers, I still got... Cookie Cat! *takes a bite* Mmm, so good.  
*Steven’s gem glows then he summons his shield. Everyone gasps*  
Pearl: Steven, it's a shield!  
Steven: That's dope as SHIT!  
*He accidentally launches his shield which ricochets around the room, eventually breaking a TV. Amethyst bursts out laughing while Pearl puts her hand to her head*  
Steven: I summon my shit by eating ice cream!  
Pearl: What’s in these things?  
*The house rumbles*  
Steven: The Fuck was that?  
*The Gems and Steven run out the house and watch as the Centipeetle Mother and several other Centipeetles crawl up the temple*  
Garnet: It’s the Mother!  
Pearl: Stay in the house, Steven!  
Steven: Fuck that, I'm coming too!  
*The Gems chase the Mother which leads them to the back of the Temple and she attacks, the Gems take cover behind a broken hand statue as acid is pouring over the side.*  
Amethyst We could really use Steven’s shield right about now!  
Steven: Hey! Leave them alone!  
Gems: Steven, no!  
Steven: Ooh, you done it now!  
*Steven eats a Cookie Cat and nothing happens*   
Steven: Shit. Aaaah!  
Pearl: We need to save Steven!  
Amethyst: Can we save ourselves first?!  
Steven: Let's try this shit again.  
*Steven eats several Cookie Cats and nothing happens*  
Steven: Why the hell ain't this shit working?  
Garnet: Steven!  
*Steven sees the now destroyed cookie cat freezer*  
Steven: NO! You wanna break my shit huh? How 'bout I break YOUR SHIT!!  
*Steven yeets the freezer at the Centipeedle*  
Amethyst: Yes!  
Garnet: Gems, weapons! Let’s do it.  
*Gems burst from cover and attack all at once, destroying the mother, a gem falls and Garnet bubbles it away.*  
Steven: That bitch made me eat all my ice cream. *stomach rumbles* DON'T RUB IT IN!  
Amethyst: Are you crying?  
Steven: NO!! EYES ARE PEEING!  
Amethyst: Well, I guess your powers don’t come from ice cream.  
Pearl: Of course they don't come from ice cream. Don't worry, Steven, I'm sure someday you'll figure out how to activate your gem.  
Garnet: Yes, in your own Steven-y way.  
Steven: You hoes are the best. *stomach rumbles* Ugh, I'm gonna fucking die.  
*The gems laugh. Steven laughs anxiously, then throws up.*  
THE END


	3. Laser Light Cannon

Steven: Yo, Fryman, give me the fucking bits!  
Mr. Fryman: Steven! We’re closed.  
Steven: Maaan, this is bullshit.  
Amethyst: Give 'em the bits! The bits, the bits...  
Steven & Amethyst: The BITS! The BITS! The BITS!  
Mr. Fryman: Okay, okay! Take it easy on the counter, will ya?  
Steven & Amethyst: Yes!  
Mr. Fryman: I can give you actual fries if you want.  
Steven: I'm good fam. This sunset's pretty dope.   
Amethyst: Yeah, that big hot second su— Oh no, what is that doing here?  
Steven: What?   
*Amethyst picks him up and runs while Steven drops his bits*   
Steven: BITCH YOU MADE ME DROP MY FOOD!!!

*Later at the temple*

Garnet: This is bad.  
Pearl: Look at the size of it, I had no idea these things were so big!  
Amethyst: Garnet! Pearl!  
Pearl: We saw. Some of us are trying to protect humanity. Where were you?  
Amethyst: ... Eating fry bits.  
Steven: Lemme see that shit! Woah. It's a giant eyeball! That's fucking dope!  
Pearl: It's NOT dope! It's a Red Eye!  
Steven: A Red Eye?! It’s going to infect us all!  
Garnet: That’s pink eye, Steven.  
Pearl: It’s going to crash into Beach City and crush us, along with a bunch of oblivious, innocent people! We have to stop it.  
Steven: The people in this town aren't really innocent Pearl. I just saw Lars getting his dick sucked behind a counter. Anyway, the hell we gonna do?  
Garnet: The only thing powerful enough to destroy it is a Light Cannon that belonged to Rose Quartz.  
Steven: My mom?  
Amethyst: If Rose were here, this would be so easy.  
Pearl: I know, but she’s not, and the cannon is missing. We’ll have to find another solution.  
Steven: If it belonged to my mom, I bet my crackhead dad knows where it is. He can help us save this shithole!  
Pearl: Greg is... nice, Steven, but I doubt Rose would entrust someone like him with such a powerful weapon.  
Amethyst: Your dad is kind of a mess, Steven. *puts hand on Steven's shoulder*  
Pearl: AMETHYST!  
Amethyst: I’m just sayin’, even if she did leave it with him, he probably broke it, or lost it, or dropped it in the ocean by now.  
Garnet: True.  
Steven: Bitch chill!. He’s just hiding it with all his weed. I’ll go ask him.  
Garnet: We can handle this, Steven. Ready?  
*Garnet picks up Amethyst and tosses her at the Red Eye. It has no effect, making Amethyst fall into the ocean*  
Steven: Ugh, I’m gonna go.  
Pearl: ... Okay, good luck.

*A few minutes later at Greg's car wash*

Steven: Dad! Wake your ass up! Dad! Bitch, I know you're in there!  
*Greg bursts out with a waffle iron*   
Greg: Who’s there? I have a waffle iron!  
Steven: Bitch who else would it be?!  
Greg: Steven? I almost waffled your face! What are you doing up so late?  
Steven: Bitch it's 7:00.  
Greg: Oh, heh. It was a... slow day at the car wash. Anyway, what’s up? Just needed to see your old man, pal around, learn some lessons about life?  
Steven: Hell no! I need a cannon that belonged to Mom, to blow up the eyeball!  
Greg: Eyeball?  
*Steven points to the red-eye*   
Steven: That!  
*Amethyst is seen flying towards the Red Eye but falls back into the ocean*  
Greg: Wait, is that a magical thing? The Gems told me not to get involved with magic stuff. It... it could be dangerous or interfere with what’s left of my hair. *rubs hair*  
Steven: But they need Mom’s cannon. You've gotta know where it is! Maybe you left it in your pile of weed, or at the graveyard!  
Greg: Well, I don’t know about all that. But I have an idea where it might be.

*10 Minutes later at the storage unit*

Steven: A giant crackhouse!  
Greg: Ha, not exactly. But some would say there’s magic inside.   
*Steven looks at him cluelessly*   
Greg: It’s just a shed I use to keep things that don’t fit in the van. If it’s anywhere, it’ll be in here.  
*He opens the door and reveals a shed filled to the brim with boxes and clutter*  
Steven: If I’m going in there, I’m gonna need a gas mask cuz it stank up in that motherfucker.   
*Steven ties a flashlight to his head with sock and electric cord wrapped around waist*   
Steven: If I die, I'm gonna haunt your dreams.  
Greg: Good luck!  
*Steven crawls into the shed*   
Steven: There it is! Oh wait, it's just a dildo. I bet mom was a sex addict.  
*Steven gasps*   
Steven: Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit! Dad1 You got 5 grams of weed in here!! I'm taking this shit!   
*Steven notices box full of CDs*   
Steven: Hey, there’s a bunch of copies of your old CDs that no one listened to!  
Greg: Huh. Oh, man, I couldn’t give those things away. You know, before I ran the car wash, when I was a one-man band, I traveled the whole country.  
Steven: No one cares.  
Greg: When I came to play a concert here in Beach City, no one showed up except—  
Steven: An ugly hoe!  
Greg: No, it was your mother.  
Steven: She was still ugly as fuck.  
Greg: And we were always together after that. Until she gave up her physical form to bring you into the world. I don’t know what a magic lady like her ever saw in a plain old dope like me.  
Steven: For real.  
*Cannon begins to glow*  
Steven: The cannon! Dad, I found it!  
Greg: Really?  
Steven: How the fuck are we gonna get this shit to the fucking beach?  
*A wagon rolls by*

*Greg and Steven manage to get the cannon into the wagon and are now driving to the beach*

Steven: How are babies made?  
Greg: Uh, I don't know.  
*Greg looks at the red-eye*  
Greg: That thing’s getting huge, it's freaking me out.  
Steven: Can't this shit go any faster?  
Greg: This is faster.  
Steven: Ugh, whatever. Let's put on your shitty CD.  
Greg: What? Really? Come on, you’ve heard it.  
Steven: What you got to hide?  
*Steven inserts the CD*  
Radio: HUMP ME! FUCK ME! DADDY BETTER MAKE ME CHOKE!  
Steven: THIS SONG'S DOPE AS SHIT!! WHY DIDN'T ANYONE BUY IT??

*At the beach*

*Amethyst washes up back on shore*   
Amethyst: Throw me again, I think I’m cracking it. *notices Steven* Is that...?  
Steven: What up hoes!  
Pearl: He really had it!  
Amethyst: We’re SAVED!!!  
*Red Eye’s gravity begins to pull everything towards it, causing rumbling and destruction*  
Garnet: We have to use it now.  
Pearl: I don’t know how it works, it was Rose’s!  
Steven: Dad, how do we use this shit?  
*Greg shrugs*  
Pearl: Steven, this is serious. The gem. You have Rose’s gem.  
Amethyst: That’s it!   
*Amethyts lifts Steven and rubs him against the cannon*   
Amethyst: Ah, come on!  
Garnet: Stop that.  
Pearl: It’s no use.  
Amethyst: Fine, forget it. Throw me again.  
Pearl: That’s not going to work.  
*The gravitational pull intensifies and pulls the van and cannon*  
Greg: I got this.   
*Greg gets pulled*   
Greg: Ugh, wait, nope, maybe I don’t!  
Steven: Work you piece of shit! Password! Dildohead! Open sesame!  
Greg: It’s okay, Steven. We’ll figure out something else, something even better.  
Steven: F-f-for real.  
*Cannon begins to activate*  
Pearl: It’s working!  
*The cannon unlocks and falls. Steven attempts to lift it and the Gems soon help*  
Pearl: Steven!  
Amethyst: This is it!  
Garnet: BRACE YOURSELVES!!!  
*The cannon shoots a rose-shaped blast that destroys the Red Eye, causing it to explode and shrapnel to fall, destroying parts of the city boardwalk*  
Amethyst: Steven! You just saved most of Beach City!  
Steven: I KNOW BITCH!!  
Pearl: How did you get it to work?  
Steven: I just said that thing that I always say.  
Pearl: That thing about dildos?  
Garnet: For real.  
Greg: Rose...  
*The tide suddenly comes in and washes the van towards the beach but is still surrounded by water*  
Greg: My van!  
Steven: It’s okay, we'll get you another place to fuck.  
Greg: I LIVE in there!   
*Greg rushes towards van*  
Steven: Bitch, wait up!   
*Steven goes towards van*  
Greg: Oh geez, wait, wait, wait!  
THE END


	4. Cheeseburger Backpack

Steven: I've been waiting for this fucking package for 3 hours!  
*Jamie suddenly turns the corner*   
Steven: Fucking finally! Gimme my package bitch.  
Jamie: Hold on. Let me see what I've got here. Did you order a loaf of bread with a stamp on it?  
Steven: Uh, no.  
Jamie: Did you order a jury summons for R.J. Finkle?  
Steven: Try reading the label on the fucking packages you dipshit. My names fucking Steven Universe.  
Jamie: Oh, right, right, right, Steven! Here it is, Steven Universe.  
Steven: It's about time. I'm gonna save the world with this shit.  
Jamie: Really? It says it's from Wacky Sacks Supply Company.  
Steven: Shut up before I tell Garnet you jack off thinking about her.  
Jamie: That seems reasonable.  
Steven: I'm legit about to his you with this.  
Jamie: With a Wacky Sack?  
Steven: Exactly!  
Jamie: Sign here, please.  
*Steven writes his name*  
Jamie: Barb yells at me if I don't get signatures.  
Steven: I don't give a damn.   
*Light glows from Steven's house*   
Steven: The crystal hoes are back!  
Jamie: Wait, Steven! What is a Wacky Sack?!

*A few minutes later inside the beach house*

Steven: The fuck?  
Garnet: Hello, Steven.  
Pearl: Amethyst, we do not need that! It's not going to fit in the fridge!  
Amethyst: What? I got this.  
*Amethyst slowly slides a tray out of the fridge, spilling the milk and dropping the bagels, and puts in the giant egg*  
Amethyst: Look, it fits!   
*Amethyst slams the refrigerator door. A crack is heard from the inside*   
Amethyst: Oh, man. We can make a big omelet, or a quiche, or big sunny side ups!—  
Pearl: We fought a giant bird. We're only here for a second, we've got to go back out.  
Steven: One, why the hell would you fight your cousin? Two, what you hoes gotta go back out for?  
*Pearl shows Steven a statue*   
Pearl: We have to place this Moon Goddess Statue on the top of the Lunar Sea Spire before midnight. Without it, the whole place will fall apart! Oh, Steven, you should have seen the spire in its heyday. It was an oasis for Gems on Earth. It's abandoned now, but we can still save it with this statue!  
Steven: That's awesome!  
Pearl: What? Why?  
Steven: Because I can help carry it for you in this!   
*Steven takes his backpack out of package and makes weird sound effects*  
Pearl: A hamburger?  
Steven: It's a backpack, shaped like a fucking cheeseburger! I was just gonna wear it one day, and you guys would be like, "Damn Steven. That's dope as fuck." But this is obviously important Gem shit.  
Pearl: Yes, so you should let us take care of it.  
Steven: What? I'm a Gem!  
Pearl: But you've still got a lot to learn.  
Amethyst: So, let him come! It'll be educational.  
Pearl: Hmm, alright. You can carry it in your hamburger.   
*Steven takes the statue and opens his backpack*  
Steven: Check this shit out! Everything's a pocket! Even the cheese is a fucking pocket! I could fit a lot more weed in here. Give me a minute. I'll pack extra.  
*Steven goes to fridge and puts bagels in his backpack, then he goes to his closet and puts two sweaters, an inflatable raft, and a kite in as well. After that, he goes to his room and steps on a stuffed animal*  
Steven: Mr. Asscheek! You're definitely gonna come in handy!   
Pearl: Steeeven, let's gooo!  
Steven: Bitch, calm your tits!   
*Steven walks downstairs and onto the warp pad*  
Pearl: Woah, Steven, did you bring your whole room?  
Amethyst: Back that thang up.  
Garnet: Let's warp.   
*A blue light flashes from the pad but doesn't cover Steven's stomach*  
Amethyst: Suck it in, Steven!   
*Steven inhales, pulling his stomach in*

Pearl: Do you remember how to do this?   
*Steven starts floating and laughing and his head goes out of the warp stream*   
Pearl: Keep your head in. Come on.

*A moment later at the Sea Spire*

Steven: Whoa, the Sea Spire!  
Pearl It wasn't like this a hundred years ago.  
Garnet: I'm sensing structural instability.  
Steven: Oh, yeah.   
*A crack forms around Steven*   
Steven: That shit's never good.  
Pearl: Gah, Steven!   
Steven: What?  
*Pearl jumps up and saves Steven*  
Pearl: Alright, hold on. We're taking Steven back!   
*Steven takes Mr. Asscheek out of his backpack*  
Steven: Oh, Mr. Asscheek!  
Pearl: Steven! This place is your heritage. I want you to stay and help, but you really got to take this seriously! Can you do that, Steven?  
Steven: Whatever bitch.  
Pearl: Yesss...  
Garnet: Enough, we have to move.   
*The Gems run up the cliff then Garnet comes to a stop*  
Amethyst: What's the hold-up? We can clear this easily.  
Garnet: No. The magic that sustains the whirlpool creates a vortex that will pull us below.   
*Garnet throws a rock and it is pulled down.*  
Pearl: So we can't jump?  
Steven: Oh, wait!   
*Steven pulls out sweaters from backpack*  
Amethyst: What are those for?  
Steven: They were for staying warm, but check it out.  
*Steven whips one end through the window and catches the other end. He takes a deep breath and jumps.*  
Amethyst: Steven!  
Pearl: Wait!   
*Steven gets pulled down by the vortex*  
Amethyst: He's getting sucked down!  
Gems: Steven!  
Steven: PUSSY!   
*Steven manages to land unharmed*  
Amethyst: Steven! Way to go! C'mon, guys!   
*She summons her whip, grabs Pearl and Garnet, and whips it through the window*  
Amethyst: Steven style!   
*Amethyst climbs up and brings the rest into the Sea Spire*  
Pearl: Don't ever do that again!  
Steven: Fuck you too.  
Pearl: But it was pretty great.  
*The Gems walk through the Sea Spire*  
Pearl: Oh, no, no, no, this is even worse than the outside. Ugh... that's... oh! Oh, this didn't used to be so— Oh, and the water damage. This pillar... Oh, and this had a head... Oh, Steven, once the statue's in place, it'll restore all of this to its former glory   
*Pearl sees creatures crawling on the statue's shoulders*  
Pearl: Aaaah!   
*Pearl summons her spear and slices the statue in half*  
Steven: The hell was that?  
Pearl: Crystal Shrimp.  
Amethyst: You guys, we got a problem!   
*Steven and Pearl run up the stairs to Garnet and Amethyst*  
*Pearl sees tons of crystal shrimp and gasps*  
Pearl: It's an infestation. And we have to pass through there to get to the top.  
Steven: Can't you just kill the little shits?  
Pearl: We need to clear a path.   
*Pearl projects hologram Amethyst*   
Pearl: Amethyst, if you go around to the side and disturb them with a spin attack...   
*Pearl then projects Garnet on the ceiling*   
Pearl: And Garnet, if you move to the ceiling and strike this exact spot... then I can advance with my...   
Steven: Fuck that!  
*Steven takes two bagel sandwiches out of his backpack, then throws them on each side of the room. The shrimp proceed to follow one of the sandwiches and start to eat them, leaving a clear path for the Gems*  
Garnet: Brilliant.  
Amethyst: Oh hey, what do you know.  
Pearl: Uh, uhh, how did you know that would work?  
Steven: Cuz I'm not a dumbass like you.  
*The Gems begin to climb the stairs*  
Pearl: I just want everyone to know: my plan would have also worked.   
*The Gems reach the top of the staircase*  
Garnet: Watch out!   
*The wall to the left of them cracks and forms a small, rushing river that drops below*  
Amethyst: What are we gonna do?   
*The Gems look at Steven*  
Steven: What? You want a cookie or something?  
Garnet: What have you got?  
Amethyst: Cheeseburger backpack! Cheeseburger backpack! Pearl, c'mon.  
Pearl: Oh, alright.  
Pearl & Amethyst: Cheeseburger backpack! Cheeseburger backpack! Cheeseburger backpack!   
*Steven smiles and pulls out a yellow raft*  
Steven: BOOYAH!!  
*Steven pulls the raft's handle and it inflates. Amethyst and Garnet gasp*  
Pearl: Steven, that's so sensible!  
*Steven places the raft in the water. It quickly floats away and goes over the side of the Spire. Pearl and Amethyst groan. Garnet kicks a pillar and one end lands on the other side of the river, forming a bridge*  
Garnet: Good idea anyway, Steven.   
*The Gems cross the bridge to the other side and begin to walk up another staircase*  
Amethyst: Yeah, they can't all be winners.  
*The Gems slowly climb up the winding stairs. They finally get to the top, and Steven stares in awe. The Gems approach the pedestal*  
Pearl: This is it. The Moon Goddess pedestal. And the moon is almost overhead! It's not too late to save this piece of history!  
Garnet: Steven, the statue.  
*Steven sticks his hand in his backpack and feels for the statue but is unable to find it*  
Steven: Shit, shit, shit, shit...  
Amethyst: What's the hold-up?  
Steven: I don't have it.   
*The Gems gasp*  
Pearl: What?!  
Steven: I think I left the shit on my bed!  
Pearl: There's... there's no time...  
Steven: Wait!   
*Steven reaches into his backpack*   
Steven: I have an idea!   
*Steven pulls out Mr. Asscheek*  
Amethyst: Could that work?   
*Garnet shrugs. Steven walks to the pedestal and places Mr. Asscheek on it. The moon blasts a ray of light onto Mr. Asscheek, who then floats up towards the moon. Only a few feet up, Mr. Asscheek violently shakes and the Gems scream. Mr. Asscheek explodes and the Gems scream again. The Spire begins to shake, and a bunch of cracks form in the ground. The waterfall starts to close in on the Spire.*  
Garnet: Everyone, keep steady!   
*Amethyst falls into Garnet.*  
Steven: Damn.  
*The cracks separate and the Gems are pushed apart. Each piece sinks and an ocean is all that is left. The Gems swim to the surface.*  
Steven: This shit was all my fault.  
Pearl: No, Steven, the Spire was falling apart when we got here. You handled everything well under pressure. You did great!  
Amethyst: Yeah, two out of four of your ideas worked. That's fifty percent.  
Steven: Yeah. I guess.  
*The raft then pops up to the surface and the Gems stare in amazement*   
Steven: Wooo!   
*The Gems get in the raft*  
Pearl & Amethyst: Cheeseburger backpack! Cheeseburger backpack! Cheeseburger backpack!  
Garnet: It's a three-hour paddle home.  
*Steven reaches into his backpack and gets a bagel*   
Steven: Y'all want a wet bagel?  
THE END


	5. Together Breakfast

*Steven opens the window to watch the sunrise*  
Steven: Everyone’s out... Guess I’m makin' breakfast.  
*Steven makes breakfast starting with a stack of waffles with syrup. When he finishes he knocks on temple door*  
Steven: AY! ANY OF YOU HOES IN THERE?  
*Steven turns around with a determined look on his face*  
*Steven microwaves popcorn and dumps it over the waffles. When he's done he stares at the Warp Pad*  
Steven: Any day now.  
*Steven puts whipped cream on top of the breakfast*  
Steven: Look at this shit. No wonder my ass is so fat.  
*Steven opens the door to the back of the house*  
Steven: DO YOU HOES WANNA EAT OR WHAT??  
*Walking back inside, Steven carefully places a strawberry on top of the stack then lifts it up*  
Steven: It’s done!  
*Steven sighs and lies on counter*  
Steven: I'mma call this a Together Breakfast.  
*Garnet warps in, scroll in hand as Steven gets distracted and falls over*  
Steven: Fucking finally.  
*Steven carries the together breakfast to Garnet*  
Steven: I was gonna wait for Amethot and Birdface to get here too but fuck them. You and I can eat this shit together.  
Garnet: I can’t stay. There’s business to attend to inside the temple.  
Steven: What's so important that you have to skip eating with my sexy ass?  
Garnet: I have to burn this.  
*Garnet unfurls scroll with mystic symbols and then whispering is heard coming from the scroll*  
Steven: Cool!  
*Steven takes a picture with his smartphone and then looks at the picture. Garnet takes his phone*  
Garnet: I have to burn this, too.  
*She walks into the temple and the door closes behind her*  
Steven: THAT'S A FUCKING IPHONE X!!!  
*Steven runs to the door, lifts up his shirt and presses his gem against the door*  
Steven: Open the fuck up!  
*Steven turns around looking at his gem*  
Steven: Ugh, this rock is fucking useless. Seriously, I should fucking pull it out.  
*Steven walks away from the door*  
Amethyst: Dumb Police! Uhhh, you’re dumb!  
*Amethyst shoots at Steven’s breakfast with a water gun. Steven jumps in front of the water blast to save his breakfast*  
*Amethyst laughs and shapeshifts her head back to normal*  
Amethyst: Oh man, I totally got you! You should’ve seen the look on your face!  
*Steven walks to the closet to get a new shirt*  
Steven: Bitch I been knew it was you.  
Amethyst: Pfft, how?  
Steven: Bitch that's a fucking water gun. And I’m not dumb.  
Amethyst: You’ve got something on your shirt.  
*Steven looks down at his shirt, stretching it and Amethyst hits him with a blast of water and laughs. Pearl exits the temple through Amethyst’s door with a sword. Amethyst throws the water gun away and shapeshifts back to normal*  
Amethyst: Hey, that’s my door!  
Pearl: Oh, Amethyst, there you are. Care to explain what one of my swords was doing in your room?  
Amethyst: Having a sword party.  
Pearl: Oh please, you took it!  
Amethyst: I did not!  
Pearl: It’s fine. It’s in the past, I forgive you. Also, I cleaned up your awful, awful mess. You’re welcome.  
Amethyst: You did WHAT?! I have a system!  
*Amethyst runs into the temple. The Temple door closes behind her*  
Steven: BITCH GET BACK HERE!!  
Pearl: What’s the matter, Steven?  
Steven: You hoes have no fucking respect for me!  
*Pearl opens the temple door*  
Pearl: Ah, that’s nice.  
Steven: ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!?!  
Steven runs towards the door and jams it with his arm and then slips inside Pearl's Room*

*Pearl performs a short ballet dance and summons her sword collection to which she adds the missing sword*  
Pearl : Hmm, there we go.  
*Pearl adjusts the sword*  
Pearl: Ah.  
Steven: Seriously bitch? I expected a lot more dildos up in this motherfucker.  
*Pearl's sword collection drops*  
Pearl: Steven! What are you doing in here? You know it’s dangerous for you inside the temple.  
*Pearl reopens temple door to Steven’s room*  
Steven: I don't give a fuck.  
*Steven steps into Pearl’s waterfall pool*  
Pearl: What?! Get out of there!  
Steven: How about no. We're gonna eat breakfast together.  
*Steven gets pulled into descending waterfall*  
Steven: Ah shit.  
Pearl: Steven!  
*Steven falls down twisting waterfall which defies gravity, loops several times and sends him to the bottom pool*  
Steven: FUUUUCKK!!!

*Steven washes up on shore of Amethyst’s room, breakfast intact. Amethyst is flipping over her organized junk*  
Amethyst: Better...  
Steven: Amethot.  
Amethyst: Oh, hey, Steven. Did you come down the waterfall? Pearl gets so mad that I have her junk, but it's always falling down here.  
Steven: Junk like what?  
Amethyst: Junk like... you!  
*Amethyst picks up Steven, laughing*  
Amethyst: Imma throw you in the junk pile!  
*Amethyst tosses him into a pile*  
Amethyst: Isn’t it awful? Pearl organized everything.  
Steven: Bitch this place looks like a fucking trashcan threw up here. And it smells like it too.  
Amethyst: Aw, thanks. I try. Boom!  
*Amethyst kicks a small pile then looks at the breakfast*  
Amethyst: Oh, what’s that Steven?  
Steven: Breakfast.  
Amethyst: Alright, snacks!  
Steven: No! It’s for everyone to eat together. You and your fat ass need to fucking chill.  
Amethyst: Oh... Gimme, gimme!  
*Amethyst attempts to take it, Steven runs away down a corridor*  
Steven: We have to eat it together!  
*Steven runs on twisting corridor which turns him upside down and then upright once more*  
Amethyst: You can’t outrun me, we both have short legs!  
*Steven comes to a room full of floating platforms, forcing him to stop for a moment*  
Amethyst: Steven! I’m hungry!  
*Steven begins to jump the platforms*  
Steven: Just. Hold. On!  
*Steven jumps towards the final platform, causing the breakfast to fall apart and Steven catches all of it in order*  
Steven: Sucka!  
Amethyst: Get back here!  
Steven: Now you're not getting any!  
*Steven jumps and clings onto Crystal Heart vein*  
Amethyst: Hey, wait a second!  
*Pearl enters from other side of the room*  
Pearl: Steven, there you are!  
Steven: Two out of three.  
*Pearl notices what he’s clinging to*  
Pearl: Oh, oh! Steven, be careful! You really shouldn’t be in here, this is the Crystal Heart. Oh! It’s connected to the most dangerous areas of the temple! Hold on tight, and don’t look down.  
*Steven looks down, gasps, and slips down. He slides through a bright room with pink clouds*  
Steven: This ain’t so bad.  
*Steven slides into a darker room*  
Steven: Ah, nevermind!  
*Steven slides down to a stop just above Garnet who is about to burn the scroll in the lava well. Garnet takes out Steven's phone, snaps it in half, and drops it into the lava. Steven slides down as Garnet takes out the scroll and begins to burn it within a bubble. Amethyst and Pearl drop down from above*  
Pearl : Steven, we’re getting you out of here.  
Amethyst: Come on.  
Steven: WE CAN ALL FINALLY EAT!!!  
*Garnet becomes distracted, Smoke Monster almost escapes*  
Garnet: Steven, go!  
Steven: NO BITCH!!  
*Garnet becomes too distracted and the Smoke Monster escapes and expands. The gems summon their weapons*  
Garnet: It’s trying to escape! Force it back!  
*Gems fight the spirit, doing damage to it while Steven backs away. Once harmed too much, the spirit makes a dash for Steven, and hits the breakfast, possessing it and knocking Steven down.*  
Gems: Steven!  
*The breakfast transforms into a massive monster of its ingredients and wraps Steven in its syrup. Pearl spears it, which distracts it*  
Pearl: It’s taken refuge in organic matter!  
*The monster hits Pearl and sticks her to the wall with a mix of whipped cream and syrup*  
Garnet: Now it has all the power of a breakfast, we have to destroy it.  
Pearl: Aah! It’s horrible!  
Steven: Why do all my plans go to shit?!  
Garnet: Steven, you’ve got to get away.  
Steven: But my breakfast!  
*The monster launches a giant waffle at both Garnet and Amethyst which smashes them against a wall*  
Steven: Ok FUCK YOU!!!  
*Steven pushes the monster from the bottom, into the lava well*  
Steven: You're a fucking douche, you know that?  
*Steven pushes the monster all the way into lava, destroying it. The Gems escape from its mass and gather around the well*  
Steven: Well fuck.  
*The Gems recreate Steven’s original breakfast, but twice the size of his*  
Steven: This looks dope as shit!  
*Steven and Gems stare at it with great concern and unwillingness to eat it*  
Steven: Yeah, I can't eat this shit.  
Amethyst: Let’s order a pizza.  
*Steven and Pearl agree*  
Garnet: It did try to kill us.  
THE END


	6. Frybo

Steven: Where the fuck are they? You’re a fucking mess, Steven.  
Pearl: I know I had eight... Hey, Steven, have you seen a Gem Shard anywhere? It’s very important.  
Steven: Nah. Have you seen my pants? They’re also very important.  
Pearl: I’m serious, Steven. These Shards have a powerful partial consciousness that has been harnessed by Gems throughout history in order to create semi-sentient drone soldiers with the capacity to follow basic orders. Gems once created an army of these drones but found their obedience waned as the shards overdeveloped inside their uniforms and turned on their commanders. You see, any shard imprinted by any sort of container could become a monster. That’s why it’s very, very important it’s kept away from any kind of garment...  
Steven: *thinking* They weren’t in the fucking kitchen either... under the bed! Nah, I looked there too. And then Birdface walked in... Oh shit, she’s really explaining this shit...  
Pearl: If you see it, bring it to me, right away. I’m going to check in town.   
*Pearl walks out of the house. Right after she does, Steven notices his pants walking by themselves*   
Steven: What the fuck!  
*The pants run away and Steven begins to chase them*  
Steven: If you don't get your ass back here, I swear I'm gonna hold you over the fucking fireplace! The pants pause for a second, giving Steven the opportunity to put them on. Steven reaches into his pocket and takes out a Gem shard from his pocket which causes the pants to stop moving*   
Steven: So this is the thing that Birdface was talking about.   
*Steven puts the shard in a sock*   
Steven: Look at ya now.  
*The sock repeatedly smacks him in the face*   
Steven: What did I do to deserve this?! Fucking stop!!   
*The sock stops*   
Steven: Er... thanks! I gotta get you to Birdface.

*Later at the boardwalk*

Steven: Yo Birdface! Where you at?!  
*Peedee in the Frybo costume rushes in and bumps Steven to the ground, whilst being attacked by a flock of seagulls. Steven, terrified, cowers on the ground*  
Peedee: Aah, please help me! Aah, No, get them away! Please! Aah!   
*Peedee takes off the head of costume and swings it at the flock of annoying ass birds*   
Peedee: I’m not fries!  
*Steven sighs deeply once the conflict is over, and Mr. Fryman opens a side door to see what’s going on*  
Mr. Fryman: Gah, where’s your face Frybo? Being part of the Fryman family means you gotta sell fries... and be my son, which you are. So, you’re already halfway there. Keep at it, Frybo! *begins to close door*  
Peedee: I’m Pee...   
*Fryman closes the door*   
Peedee: ... dee.  
*Steven picks his ear and then waves*   
Steven: Wassup Peedee!  
Peedee: When I told my dad I wanted to be part of the Fryman family business, I didn’t think it meant being stuck in a sweaty old costume. Things used to be different, Steven, nothing to worry about back then except making myself dizzy on the old seahorse ride at Funland.  
Steven: Bitch, you way to stressed out for a 12-year-old.  
Peedee: I wish there was a way for this costume to do its job without me in it.  
Steven: Yo, I got an idea!  
*Steven puts on the Frybo suit and is shortly attacked by a seagull. Steven takes off the suit an throws it to the ground*  
Steven: I have another idea.  
*Steven takes out the shard, shoos the birds away, and drops the shard into the costume which then automatically repairs itself and rolls around aimlessly*  
Peedee: Woah...   
*Frybo begins to roll off*  
Steven: Stop!   
*Frybo stops*  
Peedee: Unbelievable! Get up!   
*Frybo positions itself upright*  
Steven: Do a little dance!  
*Frybo creates legs out of fries and dances. Steven and Peedee appear disgusted, while Mr. Fryman opens the door again to witness the scene, not knowing Peedee is not in the costume. Peedee quickly hides behind Steven*  
Mr. Fryman: Woah-ho, all right! It’s about ti— I mean, good job, buddy! That’s what I’m talking about, Frybo, haha. Keep it up!   
*Frybo stops*  
Peedee: Free, I’m free! You’ve got the job, Frybo, let’s shake on it!   
*Peedee extends a hand. Frybo picks him up and literally shakes him*  
Steven: This bitch got jokes!  
Peedee: Ok, no more shaking. Put me down. Just, go make people eat fries.   
*Frybo runs off*   
Peedee: Let’s go be kids! 

*Later at the arcade*

*Peedee and Steven ride on the Seahorse and Jellyfish rides respectively, to which Peedee quickly becomes disappointed in*  
Peedee: This seahorse used to make me so happy. Now it’s just giving me whiplash. I feel like there’s just no point to it, you know what I mean?  
Steven: ...No?  
Peedee: You’ll understand when you have a job.  
Steven: Bitch I do have a job. I protect humanity from a bunch of evil shit!  
Peedee: I mean a real job, that you get paid for.  
Steven: I'm paid everyday in weed.  
Peedee: You pick up a job to buy a house, or raise kids, or to... impress your dad. You work away your life, and what does it get you?  
Steven: Weed?  
Peedee: No! You get cash. Cash that can’t buy back what the job takes... not if you rode every seahorse in the world.   
Steven: You're a sad little man aren't ya?  
*A distant scream is heard*  
Peedee: That came from the fry shop!   
*They both get off the rides and run towards the disturbance*

*A moment later at the boardwalk*

*Frybo attacks innocent residents. People run away in terror only to have Frybo drag them back into the shop with fry tendrils*  
Peedee: We didn’t tell him to do that, did we tell him to do that?!  
*Frybo stands with several captured people and veins protruding all over his face*  
Mr. Smiley: Please, no more fries!   
*Frybo shoves his mouth full of fries*  
Steven: Bitch you better stop!  
*Frybo turns and the boys flinch. Lars is thrown at them and they duck*  
Lars: I don’t even like fries!  
Peedee: Why isn’t he listening?!  
Steven: Bitch, how the fuck would I know?!  
*Fryman emerges from the back of the shop*  
Mr. Fryman: Peedee, where’s all this coming from?!   
*Frybo ensnares him*   
Mr. Fryman: Ah, I get it, I pushed you too hard. I thought you wanted to be as good a Fryman as you could be, you’re a tough kid for putting up with it as long as you did! The truth is..  
Peedee: Dad!   
*Peedee lunges towards window only to have Steven pull him back down*   
Steven: Bitch are you trying to die today? Let me handle this.  
Peedee: What are you going to do?  
Steven: Your mom.  
*Frybo chucks Mr. Fryman who promptly lands onto the boys, immobilizing them and knocking Mr. Fryman unconscious. Pearl enters with other shards as Frybo leaves the shop*  
Pearl: Steven! Did you put my missing shard in that fry costume?  
Steven: Bitch, what it look like?  
Pearl: Didn’t you hear what I said about the living armor and infantries and many, many deaths?!  
Steven: You know I don't listen to you!  
Pearl: Oh Steven.   
*Pearl summons her weapon and spears Frybo in the head, whose eye then bursts with ketchup and mustard, blinding Pearl who drops the other shards. Peedee rolls Mr. Fryman off of them*  
Pearl: Ugh, the ketchup! It’s everywhere, I can’t see!  
Steven: Bitch, chill.  
Pearl: Wah? Steven?  
Peedee: Dad!  
*Frybo emerges, spear in eye, and approaches the Frymans. Peedee grabs a broken plank and confronts it as Mr. Fryman regains consciousness*  
Peedee: Go away!  
Mr. Fryman: Peedee?  
Peedee: You are awful! I hate you, I’ve always hated you!  
Mr. Fryman: Wait, you’ve always hated Frybo?  
*Frybo disarms Peedee who falls back. Mr. Fryman holds him. As Frybo approaches, Peedee turns around into Fryman's arms and cowers in fear. Steven’s pants then enter with a shard in its pocket and kicks Frybo*  
Frymans: Steven!  
Pearl: Where?!  
*Steven appears in just his underwear after placing a shard in each of his garments. His socks, shirt, pants, shoes, and jacket stand beside him*  
Steven: You done pissed me off now. Attack my children!  
*Steven’s garments each attack Frybo, besting it, but unable to overcome it. Steven is then smacked to the ground.*  
Steven: Damn, I gotta use my drawers too.  
*The underwear fly off and knock down Frybo. A naked Steven then runs up and rips the shard out of Frybo's cheese-filled mouth*  
Pearl: Steven, are you alright?   
Steven: Yeah.

*Later at the beach*

*Steven’s garments prepare to send the Frybo suit out to sea on a makeshift raft while a naked Steven and others look on*  
Mr. Fryman: You were great, Frybo. The kids today just didn’t understand. Now, they never will.  
Pearl: Weren’t people scared of it before he attacked them?   
Steven: Bitch, shut the fuck up.  
Mr. Fryman: It’s time to send him off.   
*Fryman takes out a lighter and lights Frybo on fire, as Pearl, using the end of her spear, along with Steven's clothing, pushes it out to sea*   
Mr. Fryman: As greasy in death as he was in life.  
Peedee: Dad? Uhm... I'll, are you going to get another costume?  
Mr. Fryman: I don’t need another Frybo, I got the fry man.  
Steven: Welp, I'm tired. Later hoes.  
Pearl: Put your clothes on, Steven.  
THE END


	7. Cat Fingers

Greg: Almost done!   
*Greg sprays the van with a hose*   
Greg: Steven, get the hubcaps!  
Steven: Whatever.  
Greg: This is a high-profile job.  
Steven: You mean cause it's the mayor's car?  
Greg: If we do this right, we might get political favors!  
Steven: All I know is I better find 15 grams of weed on my nightstand every night or we gonna have problems.  
*Steven sprays the van with the hose and hits Greg by mistake. Greg hits him back, and they start to have a hose fight. They both start laughing, and the mayor walks towards them*  
Mayor Dewey: Hey, hey, hey! I'm not paying for father-son bonding here!   
*Steven sprays him with the hose*   
Mayor Dewey: Universe! Control that kid.  
Greg: Steven! Hehe, I'm sorry, Mayor Dewey. Hehe, this one's on the house.  
Mayor Dewey: On the house, eh. I like the way you do business, Universe.   
*The mayor climbs into car and drives away*  
Steven: What a bitch.  
*Greg picks Steven up and noogies him*   
Greg: Ahh, you rascal! Enough with the hose fights!  
Steven: Bitch, if you touch me again I swear I'll rip your balls off!   
*Steven and Greg get splashed by some water, and look down to see a purple cat holding a hose*  
Greg: What the?  
Steven and Greg: Whoa!  
*The cat chases them around, continuously spraying them with hose water*  
Greg: What is with this cat?   
*The cat stops and turns into Amethyst*  
Amethyst: Haha! Got you guys!  
Steven: Amethot!  
Greg: Uh, pretty cool, Amethyst.  
Steven: That's fucking dope! Teach me how to do that shit!  
Amethyst: You could probably learn.  
Steven: For real?  
Amethyst: Sure. You've got a gem.  
Greg: Whup! Magic stuff. Should I get out of here? Is there going to be an explosion?  
Steven: Go make me a sandwich Dad.  
*Amethyst shape-shifts into Steven*   
Amethyst: Go make me a sandwich Dad.  
Greg: Aah!

*Later at the Temple*

Amethyst: Hey Pearl.   
*Amethyst shape-shifts into a seal*   
Amethyst: Arp, arp!  
Steven: Do more!  
Amethyst: Check it out.   
*Amethyst shapeshifts into a wolf, then Purple Puma, then a jay. She lands on Steven's head*  
Steven: Whoa!  
Pearl: Amethyst, you're overdoing it.  
Amethyst: Uh, chill it dude.  
Pearl: Just because you can shapeshift, doesn't mean you should.  
Steven: Can you shapeshift?  
Pearl: Well of course...  
*Amethyst butts in and shapeshifts into Pearl*  
Amethyst: Well of course I can, I'm perfect! WOMP! WOMP!  
*Pearl pushes Amethyst to the side and Amethyst tumbles away laughing*  
Pearl: All Gems have shapeshifting powers, Steven. We can turn into objects, we can change parts of our bodies or... we could do that.   
*She looks at Amethyst who is still smacking her butt*  
Amethyst: WOMP! WOMP!  
Steven: I want to try it all!  
Pearl: Don't bite off more than you can chew, Steven.  
Amethyst: WOMP, WOMP!  
Pearl: Ugh!   
*Pearl goes outside and Amethyst turns back into herself*  
Steven: Show me how to turn into a fucking octopus!  
Amethyst: Actually, for once Pearl is right. If you're gonna do this, you've gotta start with something easy.  
Steven: Like that cat you turned into?  
Amethyst: That sounds good. Now follow my lead. First, think of what you wanna be, and then, just shake it out. (Amethyst demonstrates for Steven.) See? Haha! Now your turn.  
Steven: Okay. Caaatttt!  
Amethyst: Nah, you're too tense. Just relax and feel it. *eats potato chip* Bio-rhythms, yo.  
*Steven presses fingertips against his temples*   
Steven: Feeeelll iittt.  
Amethyst: Ehh, if you're not ready, we can try later.  
Steven: No, I got this.   
*Amethyst shapeshifts back into herself and Steven starts feeling it*  
Steven: Yeah, yeah. HUH!  
Amethyst: Well, it was a good try.  
*A meowing noise comes out of nowhere and Steven opens his palm to see a cat finger*  
Cat Finger: Rraow, rraow!  
Steven: This is dope as shit!  
Amethyst: You should go show your dad. He's gonna freak out!  
Cat Finger: Rreow!

*Later at the Car Wash*

Steven: Dad, I'm back!  
Greg: Hey, stu-ball.  
Steven: Check this shit out!   
*Steven shows his cat finger to his dad, and Greg drops his water bottle on him*  
Greg: Whoa! Is, is that a thing you can do now? That's pretty... cool.  
Steven: I know! I'm out of here. Holla at me later!  
Cat Finger: Meow! Row! Reaw!

*Later at the Big Donut*

Sadie: That'll be a dollar 'o five Steven.  
Steven: Bitch I'm broke. Maybe this'll distract you hoes.  
*Steven hold up his cat finger*   
*Cat finger meows*  
Sadie and Lars: Whaaat!?!  
Sadie: Oh Steven, that's adorable!   
*Sadie pets the cat with her finger, which starts to purr*   
Sadie: Are... you making it purr?  
Steven: No. It does that when it hates someone.  
Lars: Really?   
*He roughly pokes the cat and it bites him*  
Lars: Yow!  
Steven: He likes you!  
Sadie: Oh, I'm sure it just wants to play.  
Steven: Or he just wants to jack off and smoke some weed.  
Lars: Oh my gosh. It's just like you, Steven.  
*Steven breathes in and conjures four more cat fingers, then laughs*  
Steven: Say it again Lars.

*At the Boardwalk*

Cat Fingers: Rraaooow!  
Steven: Wassup P! Gimme the fuckin bits!  
Peedee: Steven, I take my job seriously, please use the actual menu.  
Steven: Did I stutter? Bitch, I said gimme the fuckin bits!  
Mr. Fryman: Alright listen, it'll be over sooner if you just give him what he wants.  
Steven: That's what I thought. You don't wanna suffer the wrath of mah hand!  
*Steven holds up his cat fingers*  
Mr. Fryman: What the?!  
Peedee: Uh, here's your.... bits.   
*The cats start to eat the bits*  
Mr. Fryman: I can't look away.  
Peedee: Steven, that is freakish.  
Steven: Your internet history is more freakish.   
*Steven shakes fingers on other hand. Soon the fingers on his other hand turn into cats*   
Peedee and Mr. Fryman: Whoa!  
Mr. Fryman: You know who would love this? Your older brother. Yo Ronaldo!  
Ronaldo: What's up daa...   
*Ronaldo gasps, drops the box he's holding, and pushes Peedee to the side*   
Ronaldo: I've gotta take a pic for Keep Beach City Weird!   
*Ronaldo takes out his phone and snaps a picture*  
Cat Fingers: MEOW!  
Steven: What's that?  
Ronaldo: It's my blog. Keep! Beach! City! Weird!   
Steven: Lemme see.   
*Steven takes the phone and the cats whine in agony, causing him to drop the phone*   
Steven: This don't look too good.

*Later at the Temple*

Steven: Chill the fuck out! I'm tryna fuckin eat!   
*Cat fingers whine and Steven pulls a sandwich out of the refrigerator*  
Amethyst: Steven! Need some help?  
Steven: Nah.  
Amethyst: Oh gooood! See ya later then.  
Steven: What?  
Amethyst: We're taking the Gem Sloop out to sea to fight a living island.  
Steven: Amethot, wait!

*At the Dock*

Steven: I wanna come too!!   
*Steven runs into the water to catch up to the Gem Sloop*  
Pearl: Steven!  
Amethyst: C'mon, you can make it!   
*The cats meow when Steven starts to paddle and the Gems gasp*  
Pearl: Steven, what's going on?  
Steven: Bitch I just turned my fingers into fuckin cats!  
Pearl: We have to stay and help Steven!  
Garnet: We can't. This is a tectonic emergency. We'll deal with Steven when we get back.  
Pearl: Amethyst, I blame YOU for this.  
Amethyst: Eh, that's fair.  
Pearl: Grrr! Steven, just try to stay calm!

*Later at the Temple*

Steven: I'M FUCKING DONE WITH Y'ALL!!! IM LEGIT FINNA JUST CUT YOU ALL OFF MY FUCKING HANDS!!   
*Steven breathes in and a spot on his head turns into a cat, then his arm turns into a cat*   
Steven: The fuck?   
*His foot turns into a cat. Steven calls for the gems as various parts of his body turn into cats*  
Steven: Dad!

*Later at the carwash*

*Greg hoses the ground while singing along to his headphone music and hears a bang*   
Steven: Hello? Who's there?   
*Cat-covered Steven crawls in*   
Greg: We're closed, come back tomorooaaaah!!!   
*He sprays Steven with the hose, sending Steven and cats rolling back, but the cats keep coming towards Greg*  
Steven: Dad!  
Greg: Steven?  
Steven: Dad! Help! The fucking cat fingers are taking over my fucking body!   
Greg: Hold on, wha- I'll get you out of there!   
*A cat bites Greg's arm and throws him to the side*  
Steven: What the actual fuck!   
*He steps in a puddle and the cats makes him jump to the roof*  
Greg: Can't you make them go away?  
Steven: BITCH DON'T YOU THINK I'VE TIRED THAT?!?! HOW STUPID DO YOU THINK I AM?!?! Spray me again!   
*Greg sprays him and he jumps down. Then the cats run towards Greg*   
Greg: Aaahahahaaahhh!   
*Steven grabs the side of the car wash stopping the cats in time*  
Steven: It's not enough water! Turn on the super-wash!  
Greg: No, I won't do it! It's too dangerous!  
Steven: Bitch, look at me! I'm a fucking monster!  
Greg: No you're not! You're my son!  
Steven: JUST DO IT!!!

*Inside the car wash*

*Greg flips three switches and presses a button, enabling the super-wash. Steven then crawls in. The jets spray Steven on all sides. He then goes through two waxers, and another set of jets. Greg rushes to the opening and picks up a hose, ready to attack any remaining cats*

*Outside the carwash*

Steven: Dad. We did it.  
*One of Steven's fingers is still a cat, so Greg hoses it, while they both scream*

*Later at the Dock*

*Steven is sitting on the dock, and the Gems arrive*  
Pearl: Steven! 

*Pearl climbs onto dock and holds his hand*   
Pearl: Okay, let me see it. W-? Y-you got them to go away?  
*Steven smiles*  
Pearl: It just goes to show, always listen to me, and never listen to Amethyst.  
Amethyst: That's fair.  
Garnet: It goes to show, you should have a little more faith in Steven.  
Steven: For real. Y'all wanna go to a strip club or something?  
Garnet: Okay, that's enough.  
THE END


	8. Bubble Buddies

*Steven leaves the house with his bicycle. A roaring sound is heard followed by rumbles that caused Steven's bike to roll down the stairs*  
Steven: The fuck?  
Pearl: I don't think they are earthquakes, they're too frequent!  
*Steven's bike crashes on the sand near the Gems as Steven picks it up*  
Amethyst: Hey look! Steven's got a bike! Where ya going, Steven?  
Steven: I'm tryna get some bitches on mah dick. Girls like a man with some wheels so I'm going for a ride.  
Pearl: In the sand?  
Steven: Duh.  
*Steven attempts to ride his bike in the sand, he looks up at Connie Maheswaran, who sits nearby reading. Steven parks his bike*  
Steven: Some smooth ride...   
*He looks at Connie, who isn't paying attention*   
Steven: Five speeds,   
*Looks at her again, and back at the bike*   
Steven: Hand brakes   
*Looks back at Connie, then the bike*   
Steven: Electric blue finish with a tiger bell!   
*Steven rings the bell. Connie flips the page of her book, still ignoring Steven*   
Steven: All the bitches wanna ride this bi-   
*Steven tries to ride his bike with the stand still up. He falls on his bike and looks at it, and at Connie, who rapidly turns her head to look at Steven. Steven then throws his helmet away running away, embarrassed*

*In the Temple*

Steven: Wassup.  
Pearl: Who were you talking to?  
Steven: Huh?  
Garnet: That girl.  
Steven: She's just another bitch on the street.  
Amethyst: You like her!  
Steven: Uhh... no..  
Pearl: Let's set up a play-date! I'll write up an invitation and work out a schedule. Ohh! We'll have to find out her favorite kind of tea...  
Garnet: No. Just talk to her.  
Steven: Fine. But don't watch. It'll mess up my funky flow.  
Pearl & Amethyst: Funky flow?  
Garnet: We won't watch.  
Steven: Alright!   
*Steven runs to the fridge to take out a glowing dildo*  
Amethyst: What's that?  
Steven: Nothing!

*Outside*

Steven: Hi! My name is Steven. Hi, my name is Ste-ven. Hi my name is... Stevan? Oh-whoah!  
*A monster roar is heard, the earth starts to shake as Steven looks up to see a part of the temple break and start to fall above Connie. Steven runs over and jumps on top of Connie*   
Steven: Hi, my name is Steven!   
*Steven's gem starts to glow and creates a bubble-like shield, protecting them. The rubble falls and shatters as it hits the bubble*  
Steven: That was dope as shit. Hi, my name is Steven!  
Connie: Connie. What happened?  
Steven: A rock fell off the hill. Obviously. You like my bubble?  
Connie: You did this?  
Steven: Bitch, who else would have done this? I'm a Crystal Gem. I fight monsters and protect humanity and stuff.  
Connie: Oh! That's kinda like my dad. He's a cop. Well... more like a private security guard.   
*Steven and Connie look at each other wordlessly*   
Connie: So... how long does it usually last?  
Steven: It's kinda like a boner. You got me so hard. So the bubble won't go away until I'm not hard anymore.  
Connie: Oh.  
Steven: So... I don't see you around that often.  
Connie: My dad works for a bunch of different beaches, so we're never in the same place long.  
Steven: I go on adventures with the gems sometimes. They usually say it's too dangerous for me though.   
*Steven pushes pushes the bubble. They move forward slightly and he falls over*  
Connie: Do you always go in a bubble?  
Steven No, this is new. I don't know what this is. But it's okay! The Gems will know what to do.  
*Steven and Connie try to roll the bubble to Steven's house, but can't get up the steep hill*  
Steven: EY!! COME FUCKING HELP ME YOU USELESS HOES!!  
Connie: I don't think they can hear you.  
Steven: Yeah, no shit.  
Connie: We can just wait here until they come out.  
Steven No, no, no, it's okay! I've got other friends that can help.

*At the Big Donut*

*Sadie is attempting to break the bubble with a hammer*  
Lars: BWAHAHAH! Way to go, Steven! Is this your magic love bubble or something? Did you make it because you're in looove?   
*Lars presses his face against the bubble*  
Steven: That's Lars. He's an asshole cuz he can't get any pussy.  
Connie: He makes weird faces.   
Sadie: Lars, quit being a jerk and help!  
Lars: What? I'm helping Steven on his date.  
Sadie: You're embarrassing him!  
Lars: No, I'm not!  
Sadie: Yes, you are!  
Steven: They run the Big Donut.  
Connie: Do... they get along?  
Steven: Bitch, are you not looking at them right now?  
Sadie: I'm gonna go try something else!  
Steven: Anyway, this place has the worst donuts! But my fat ass comes here, like, every day!  
Connie: My parents don't let me eat doughnuts. They have trans fats.  
Steven: Your parents are fucking high.  
*Sadie comes running out of the Big Donut with a stool*  
Sadie: AHHH!!!   
*Sadie hits the bubble with a chair. It breaks on contact*  
Steven: I have a better idea.

*At the Pier*

Connie: Whoa, a trawler! And a little skip-jack!  
Steven: NERD! You're so sad.  
Connie: That's what happens when you hang out at the beach and don't swim and don't have friends. Y-you look at boats...  
Steven: Like I said, sad.  
*Steven notices Onion*   
Steven: Yo, Onion, Onion!   
*Onion waves*  
Steven: We need a Harpoon Gun!  
Connie: What?  
Steven: To pop the bubble.  
Connie: Can't we just go back to your house?  
Steven: Shut up. Onion, we need a harpoon gun! HAR-POON-GUUUN!  
*Onion eats popcorn obliviously, so Steven breathes on the bubble, creating fog where he attempts to illustrate a harpoon gun*  
Steven: Haar-pooon-guuun...   
*Onion continues eating obliviously*  
Steven: Forget you then.  
Connie: Let me try.   
*She spells out "harpoon gun" on the bubble, Onion gives a thumbs up and runs off as Steven looks at her impressed*   
Connie: It just made more sense.  
*Onion blows boat horn at the helm of a harpoon gun and shoots at the bubble, harpoon deflects and hits a boat, sinking it.)  
Connie: The trawler...

*At Funland*

Connie: "Funland"?  
Steven: Yeah! Lots of shit happens here everyday! There's gotta be something to break this bubble.  
Connie: Umm...  
Steven: We just gotta find the right ride. Yeah, the kiddie coaster! Alright, we just roll down this ramp as the carts are coming at us, and the crash will break us free!  
Connie: What happens after the bubble pops?  
Steven: We'll be free!  
Connie: Steven, this is a bad idea-  
*The monster's roar shakes the ride*  
Steven: Whaaa- This will work!   
*Steven pushes them on the roller coaster tracks. Carts hit them pushing them in opposite direction. Mr. Smiley hits the emergency brake causing bubble to fly off the track and into the ocean, they sink to the ocean floor*

*On the ocean floor*

Connie: Where are we?  
Steven: The bottom of the ocean, duh. I thought you were smarter than me.  
Connie: Are we even close to the shore?  
Steven: Yeah, sure!  
Connie: Let's start rolling.  
Steven: So, we're down here...alone...wanna fuck?  
*Worm Monster swims above them, scaring Connie*  
Steven: A huge worm! It's okay, look. It only wants to eat that bright stuff. See? Not scary at all.  
*The Worm monster consumes bright red seaweed and then begins to burrow underground, causing a crevice to open up directly under them, they sink deeper in the ocean*  
Steven Ughhh... Are you alright? It's not so bad, uhhh. It-it's okay, I uh...  
Connie: It's NOT okay! You keep saying that but YOU don't know what you're doing! Now we're going to suffocate or starve at the bottom of the ocean and only my parents will notice because no one else cares about me!  
Steven: Mood.  
Connie: I'm gonna disappear without ever making a single friend.   
*Steven offers the glowing dildo*  
Steven: We can be friends. I saw you at the Boardwalk Parade last year. You dropped your dildo. I picked it up, but then I couldn't find you. I saved it in the freezer so it would last longer, in case I saw you again.  
Connie: Oh! You were the kid on the car wash float. You had soap bubbles in your hair.  
Steven: I was supposed to be a pussy tree. I'm sorry Connie,   
*Steven puts the dildo on her head*   
Steve: If I had returned your dildo back then, you wouldn't be stuck in this bubble with me now.  
Connie: No, it's okay. I'm having fun.  
*The bubble suddenly bursts and Steven leads Connie to the surface, moments later the Worm Monster emerges and attacks them, causing them to land on the shore with the monster in pursuit* 

*At the Pier*

Connie: Come on, come on! Hide in the rocks, Steven!   
*Connie climbs the rocks and Steven runs under the pier instead. The monster heads for Connie*  
Steven: What does this bitch want?! The dildo! It eats bright stuff. Connie!  
Connie: Steven!  
Steven: Give me the dildo!  
Connie: What?!  
Steven: It's okay! Run that way!   
*Monster pursues Steven with the dildo while he runs and yells frantically, zigzagging around the pillars of the pier, causing the monster to wrap around herself, immobilizing her as she struggles to break free. Connie and Steven hold hands in horror. The pillars break causing the pier to collapse on the monster, destroying her. The Gems come rushing towards them*  
All Gems: Steven!  
Pearl: Steven, what's going on?! What did you do?!  
Connie: He was incredible!  
*Garnet picks up and bubbles away the fallen Gem*  
Steven: For real? Here's your dildo... again.  
Connie: Thanks.  
Amethyst: So, are you going to introduce us?  
Pearl: Steven was so excited to meet you. Right Steven?  
Garnet: Hey! Don't mess with his funky flow.  
Connie: Funky... flow?  
Steven: Fuuuuckk...

THE END


	9. Serious Steven

*Steven wakes in a haze, a worried look on his face and a ringing in his ear, he observes Beach City Funland in ruins with giant teacups scattered across the park and several people, including the Crystal Gems, appearing hurt, except for Garnet who was standing up looking at him*

*2 weeks after the incident*

*The Gems are warping and Steven brought his Vaseline with him*  
Garnet: Pay attention Steven, this is going to be your first serious mission. You need to be ready.  
Steven: Bitch, I was born ready.  
*Gems warp into battlefield, Steven warps several feet into the air and several yards away for no reason and falls, covering him in strawberry juice, Steven groans*  
Pearl: Steven! Are you-  
*Steven is now covered in strawberry juices*   
Steven: Yeah, I'm good.   
*He licks his arm and sees a bunch of butterflies swarm up to him, clinging to his face*   
Steven: AAAAHH! THE PUSSY GODS ARE ANGRY!!! THEY'RE GONNA HARVEST MY DICK FOR RESOURCES!!!!  
*Garnet swats away the butterflies*   
Garnet: They’re just butterflies, Steven.  
Steven: Oh...THE FUCK Y'ALL LOOKING AT?!  
Amethyst: Steven, you’re a riot!  
Pearl: I’m suddenly having second thoughts about bringing Steven on this mission...  
Garnet: Shh... Just look at him.   
*Pearl looks at Steven who is putting a bunch of spiders in Amethyst's hair*  
Garnet: Now let’s go recover the gemstone.  
*Gems and Steven begin walking through the field, littered with swords stuck in the ground*  
Pearl: Unbelievable, this was once a Gem battlefield, now it's wild strawberries as far as the eye can see! Oh, that’s what I love about the Earth! Maybe this will be a light mission after all.   
*Pearl shuts her annoying ass up when she bumps into Garnet. They come face to face with a big ass pyramid*  
Garnet: ... Maybe not.   
*Garnet summons the missing piece of the Pyramid and places it into the slot. The door opens*  
Steven: Damn!

*Inside the Pyramid*

Steven: Damn! I WANT ME SOME WEED!   
*The pyramid echoes back*   
Steven: Well forget it cuz you're not gettin any!  
Amethyst: You’re a doof.  
*Steven runs over to a floating Pyramid in the center of the room*   
Steven: Yo birdface, what the fuck is this?  
Pearl: Whatever it is, you probably shouldn’t touch it.  
*Steven touches it, causing the gem to tip over. The pyramid begins to shake, and the Gems quickly rush to him*  
Pearl: Steven! What have we told you about touching magical things?  
Steven: Uh, nothing?  
*The pyramid begins to crumble and begins to suck them up to the ceiling*

*In the inner chamber of the pyramid*

*They begin to float up and then fall straight down a hole, leading to an inner chamber. The Gems all land gracefully with different poses, except for Steven, who lands on his stomach. The hole is covered and torches light up all around them*  
Amethyst: Looks like we’re gonna have to split up.  
Pearl: Right. Steven and I will stay right here where it seems to be safe, while you guys go and solve the mystery of this place.  
Steven: Hell nah. I'm coming too.  
Amethyst: Yeah, c'mon Steven, let’s solve the mystery.  
Steven: Yeah! We can even smoke a little weed!  
Pearl: No, no no-no-no. You two are a disaster waiting to happen.  
Garnet: Steven goes with me.  
Steven: You want this dick that bad?  
Garnet: This is a serious mission.  
Steven: Whatever.  
Pearl: This could be the teacups all over again.  
*Steven and Garnet pick a path and begin walking down the corridor*   
Steven: Steven and the thicc bitch are walking down the hallway, I wish she would let me hit but she told me she was gay, I'm gonna go get high with mah lil homeboy Rayray, Steven got bars don't even try to fucking play, heeey!   
*They both enter an open room. The door closes behind them. The room begins to randomly light glowing panels all around the room*  
Garnet: We need to stay on the glowing panels.  
Steven: Man, I got this shit.  
*Steven jumps onto all the glowing panels. When he makes it to the end the temple shakes and Steven falls onto a non-glowing panel. The panels change from white to red and begin to fall into a pit of open flames. Steven clings to a panel as the one beneath him falls*  
Garnet: Steven!   
*Steven falls towards the fire pit as Garnet rushes to catch him*  
Steven: Thanks blockhead.  
*Steven and Garnet walk into another chamber, and another door closes behind them, startling Steven*  
Garnet: We can take a break if you’re not feeling well, Steven.  
Steven: I'm not a fucking kid! Let's keep going!   
Garnet: Alright.  
*Steven inspects the wall*   
Steven: I want this wallpaper in my room.   
*Steven feels around wall, pushing in a section*  
Garnet: Run!  
*A trap is triggered and ceiling spikes begin to descend which tears Steven’s shirt and makes him drop his Vaseline. Garnet steps in and stops the spikes with her gauntlets*  
Steven: My Vaseline!  
*Steven picks it up and begins to rub it onto his flaccid cock*  
Garnet: Steven! Now is probably not the best time for that.  
Steven: Oh, I'll do it over there then.   
*Steven rushes to the end of the chamber. Garnet soon follows him*  
Garnet: Now that was a pretty close one.  
Steven: Aaaand..done!  
*They enter a room full of swinging blades, falling lava and spikes, Steven appears both nauseated and frightened*  
Garnet: Get ready, Steven. This is gonna be intense.

*2 weeks earlier*

*Gems and Steven prepare to ride The Teacups ride in Beach City Funland, operated by Mr. Smiley*  
Garnet: Get ready Steven. This is gonna be intense.  
Steven: It's just a ride blockhead...  
*On the ride, there's Pearl holding a teapot and Amethyst sleeping in one cup, Garnet and Steven in the other cup*  
Pearl: I misunderstood the point of this ride.  
Garnet: This is fun, Steven.  
Steven: I think I need to get off this ride now.   
*Steven jumps off the ride*  
Garnet: Steven, no!  
*Steven falls on Mr. Smiley, breaking the lever to the ride, causing all of the cups to fly off the ride, causing mass destruction, Mr. Smiley grabs Steven by the shirt*  
Mr. Smiley: Steven! You are banned from all the rides, forever!

*Back to the present*

*Garnet and Steven are at the end of the chamber*  
Steven: What happened?  
Garnet: I carried you while you took a nap.  
Steven: Thanks for not letting me die I guess.   
*They return to the main chamber*  
Garnet: We’re back where we started.  
Steven: Ugh.  
Pearl: Garnet, there you are! The doors and rooms here make no sense, they all bring you here!  
*Amethyst runs out of a door groaning*   
Amethyst: Get me out of here!   
*Amethyst runs into another room*  
Pearl: There are sixteen doors, and we entered from the northeast and went through three consecutive rooms in a straight line...   
*Amethyst returns, a bear trap on her head, which she removes, and runs back to the same door*  
Pearl: But arrived back here out the southern-most door, which could only mean... well, I don’t know what it means! I—   
*Amethyst slides in, frozen in a block of ice*   
Pearl: This is a death trap!   
*Pearl tries to break Amethyst free with spear*  
Steven: So now what?  
Garnet: We go back in. Again, and again, and again, and again.  
Steven: AW HELL NAH!!  
Pearl: Steven.  
Garnet: It’s okay.  
Steven: This is just like the fucking teacups!  
Pearl: Oh Steven, I-I didn’t really mean that.  
Steven: Hold up! This is just like the teacups! That’s why we’re getting so lost. That’s why I’m feeling so fucking sick. All the rooms are spinning us around so we end up here!  
*Garnet punches through the center of the room, breaking the floor and revealing a hidden lower room filled with spinning upside down pyramids, orbiting around a central floating obelisk embedded with a gemstone*  
Steven: Damn I'm smart!  
Pearl: This is unbelievable! This Gem-powered mechanism! It's manipulating the rooms above. Every room we entered spun us until we came back to the central chamber! It’s just like the teacups ride at Funland!  
Garnet: Steven already figured that out!  
Pearl: Oh...   
*Steven notices the gemstone*   
Steven: Garnet, throw me at that pyramid thingy.  
Garnet: Serious Steven, goooooo!  
*Steven lands on the obelisk, and tugs at the gemstone in the center causing it to glow and then eject. Once the power source is removed, the Pyramid’s energy becomes absorbed back into the gemstone causing the Temple to explode, creating a massive crater. The Gems emerge from the surrounding bushes*

*Outside*

Pearl: Steven? Steven?! Where is he?  
Amethyst: Ahh, he’s over here.  
Steven: The Gem...  
*Pearl bubbles the gemstone*   
Pearl: Ah, I’d say you handled that adventure very well.  
Amethyst Yeah, nice job.  
*Garnet hands Steven his Vaseline*  
Steven: Thanks blockhead! I'mma spit some bars now. Pussy gonna cream like whip, yeah, keep it on the low, mouth zipped, yeah, fuck her for the money and the tip, yeah  
I don't fuck for free, no lip trip-  
*The butterflies swarm him*   
Steven: WHHHHY?!?!!?!?  
THE END


	10. Tiger Millionaire

Pearl: How could you possibly think punching a blood polyp was a good idea? Look at all the gunk you got on me!  
*Pearl flicks away a small piece of gunk on her arm*  
Pearl: And look at Steven!  
*Steven's whole body except his face is covered in goo.*  
Steven: Chill out. It ain't that bad.  
Amethyst: See? He likes it.  
Pearl: He certainly won't like it when it hardens.  
Steven: Wait what? I'm gonna go shower.  
*Steven begins to waddle away*  
Pearl: He shouldn't have been so close in the first place.  
*Steven hardens in place near the fridge*  
Amethyst: How was I supposed to know they pop?  
Steven: Can you hoes help me?  
Pearl: You're always putting us in danger with your little outbursts! Ugh, you are just... so... CHILDISH!  
Amethyst: Yeah, yeah. And don't forget reckless, vulgar, "loudmouth". And that's just what makes me so awesome! RIGHT, GARNET?  
Garnet: Amethyst, you are a Crystal Gem. You need to act like it.  
Amethyst: Fine.  
*Amethyst goes into her room*  
Pearl: I think we really got through to her! Right, Garnet?  
*They both leave the house, ignoring Steven*  
Steven: Fuck my life.

*Time skip*

*Steven is asleep in a hardened shell of gunk. The Temple Door opens, waking Steven. Amethyst rushes out wearing a cape and leaves. Steven falls over and shatters the mold, freeing him*  
Steven: The hell?  
*Steven follows her to a warehouse. Amethyst transforms into Purple Puma, introduced by Mr. Smiley, the M.C. of the Beach City Underground Wrestling tournament and stands in the center of the ring, Steven watches from the window*  
Mr. Smiley: For those of you befuddled by the events of athleticism, you are about to see the Purple Puma, rrrah, is the single most hated wrestler in Beach City Underground's... HIS-TO-RYYY!  
*The crowd boos*  
Steven: Whaaat?  
*Amethyst eggs on the crowd*  
Mr. Smiley: Alright ladies and gentlemen, let's introduce his opponent, or should I say victim. The Loch Ness Bloggster!  
Ronaldo: I'm, uh, going to end your reign of terror! AAH!  
*He runs at her and almost immediately gets knocked out with a block*  
Mr. Smiley: Well, now, now that was quick.  
*The crowd boos*  
Mr. Smiley: Yeah, yeah, I don't like it either but hey, what do you do?  
*Puma throws Ronaldo at the crowd*

*Outside the warehouse*

*Purple Puma bursts through back doors, roars in victory, shapeshifts back into Amethyst and sighs as Steven sneaks up behind her*  
Steven: Yo Amethot!  
Amethyst: What are YOU doing here?  
Steven: Are you a secret wrestler?  
Amethyst: Yyyeah.  
Steven: But HOW? But WHEN? But WHY?  
Amethyst: Come here. Lemme explain something to you. In the ring, nobody can tell me what to do! And if they try, I HIT 'EM IN THE FACE WITH A CHAIR!  
Steven: Why do you wrestle? And why haven't you told me about it? I thought we were tight.  
Amethyst: You don't know what it's like having Pearl and Garnet on your back all the time!  
Steven: Bitch are you kidding? "Oh Steven, I told you before not to take peanut butter on missions." "I'm not going to say anything, but I expect you to understand that was wrong." Let me be a wrestler too!  
Amethyst: Well, I haven't won the tag team belt yet. But you can't tell Pearl and Garnet.  
Steven: Cool.

*In the Temple*

*Steven slicks back his hair with Margarine, wears suspenders and places a small whisker mask on, thus becoming the wrestler Tiger Millionaire*  
Steven: Yo, I'm Tiger Millionaire. My parents kicked my ass out so I became a whore before I began my wrestling career.  
Amethyst: Wow, you just came up with all that?  
Steven: Hell, yeah. What's your backstory?  
Amethyst: Pumas are COOL.  
Steven: ....Kay.

*At the Warehouse*

Mr. Smiley: Two local heroes in the ring tonight, they build hospitals for the sick, and they build muscles that look slick! Give it up for.... Concrete Heat and Chunk Truck!; Facing off against the Purple Puma and our newest, MEWEST competitor! Tiger Millionaire! *crowd boos*  
Lars: That little guy's gonna get creamed.  
Sadie: From here he kinda looks like Steven.  
Lars: Pfft! Yeah, right.  
*Steven prepares to step into the ring*  
Amethyst: Steven, wait!  
*Amethyst blocks him from entering the ring*  
Amethyst: I'm just using you to get the tag team belt, I'll do all the actual fighting.  
Steven: Do I still get to wear the costume?  
Amethyst: I don't CARE!  
Steven: Aight cool.  
*Amethyst as Purple Puma roars and charges at Chunk Trunk*  
Mr. Smiley: Oh! Devastating move by Puma!  
Steven: Uh?- Purple! Purple Puma! Look out!  
*Concrete Heat places a traffic cone on Purple Puma's head*  
Mr. Smiley: What a gross usage of safety equipment, and your tax dollars.  
Steven: That's fucked up!  
Mr. Smiley: It may not seem fair, but hey, anything goes in wrestling.  
Steven: For real?  
Mr. Smiley: Oh YES it does!  
Steven: This could be fun. Hey Chunk Truck! I'll give you a million jungle bucks to throw the match!  
Mr. Smiley: What's this? It looks like Tiger Millionaire is offering a bribe!  
Chunk Truck: Why, we could fill a thousand potholes with—  
*Chunk Truck gets hit by Tiger Millionaire's briefcase*  
Lars: OH SNAP! Did you see that?  
*Purple Puma knocks out Chunk Truck*  
Mr. Smiley: Oh! I mean just wow!  
Amethyst: Way to go, Tiger!  
*Amethyst and Steven win several more matches and Pearl and Garnet slowly find pieces of Steven's props*  
Mr. Smiley: Record-breaking heat tonight folks! Could it be? Tiger Millionaire has bought out our soda stand. Maybe he'll share with his thirsty fans... OHH!  
*Steven drops soda all over the ground*  
Mr. Smiley: Now there's no sodas for anybody. Wha— and now he's putting on galoshes?  
*Steven stomps in the puddle*  
Mr. Smiley: Wow folks, this is really hard to watch.  
Lars: Aahahahaha! Classic! Tiger! Hey Tiger! Would you sign this? It'd be so rad!  
Steven: Bitch PLEASE!  
*Steven knocks Lars' soda on the ground. Lars looks crushed and blushes in embarrassment*  
Mr. Smiley: Woah... Never thought I'd live to see the day when a contender turned down his own fan.  
*Lars throws Tiger Millionaire's tie on the ground*  
Steven: Well shit.  
Mr. Smiley: Tiger Millionaire, you're the cruelest creature on the planet.  
*The crowd jeers and boos at him*

*At the Temple*

Amethyst: Hey Tiger! Are ya ready to win our FINAL MATCH?  
Steven: Amethot... Am I the cruelest creature on the planet?  
Amethyst: Oh Steven, those are just words people use to describe how they feel about you.  
*Steven grows sadder*  
Amethyst: Listen, Steven you can't let anyone make you feel like garbage.  
Steven: Is that how you feel?  
Amethyst: I only feel how I wanna feel.

*At the Warehouse*

Mr. Smiley: Ladies and gentlemen, fans of wrestling, welcome to the tag team championship! In the ring tonight... They stomped their way through the tournament and into our hearts, give it up y'all! Give it up! For Dashing Danny Doober and Handsome Hank Hackleschmidt! Only one thing would make these men look better folks it's the tag team belt! But! Standing in their way are the ruthless kings of the jungle, they'll eat your kids and fire your parents! Ooh! Yes, it can only be the Purple Puma and Tiger Millionaire!  
*Severe booing from crowd*  
Random Man: Don't you dare hurt those men, you monsters!  
Sadie: Man, people are really hating on Tiger M.  
Lars: He's awful because he hurt me specifically.  
*The match is about to begin then suddenly the lights turn on and Pearl and Garnet jump down from above*  
Steven: Ah shit.  
Amethyst: What are you doing?  
Pearl: What are WE doing? What is THIS?  
*Pearl holds up Steven's promotional flyer*  
Steven: My bad.  
Mr. Smiley: Looks like we have some new opponents!  
Pearl: NO you don't! This match is canceled!  
Steven: Why?  
Pearl: "WHY"?! I can't believe you've been sneaking off to this... this circus of violence! And you! Using your Gem powers on humans?!  
Amethyst: It's not ENOUGH that you're on my case all the time, you have to ruin this for me too?  
Pearl: We're not here to fight.  
*Crowd cheers "Fight!"*  
Garnet: Steven, Amethyst.  
Amethyst: WHAT?  
Garnet: Go back to the temple.  
Amethyst: I DON'T WANNA!  
*Amethyst shoves Garnet. Everyone gasps*  
Garnet: Don't do this.  
*Amethyst and Garnet get into a short fight. Garnet is pretty badass*  
Steven: Stop! I swear if y'all don't stop, none of y'all will get this dick for a month!!  
Sadie: That really sounds like Steven.  
Steven: Y'all need to get your asses back home and let us wrestle.  
Garnet: No. Because we are the... Notorious O-order of... Wrestling... Haters.  
Pearl: That's right! Um... we wanna stop all wrestling everywhere! Are you going to let us destroy all wrestling?  
Lars: You gotta save wrestling! Come on! Tiger! Puma! Tiger! Puma!  
*Crowd starts chanting "Tiger! Puma!"*  
Steven: Let's do this shit.  
Mr. Smiley: What a stunning turn around!  
*Steven pretends to defeat Pearl*  
Mr. Smiley: The Jungle Duo are fighting back!  
*Amethyst and Steven pretend to defeat Garnet*  
Mr. Smiley: And they've taken down Captain Square, but wait wait, it's the... it's the Good Looking Gang with a ladder! Are they planning to steal the belt? No! Oh, they're actually helping Tiger up!  
*Amethyst kneels beside Garnet, who is laying on the floor*  
Amethyst: Sorry for... uh... sorry.  
Garnet: Same here.  
Mr. Smiley: Tiger Millionaire has claimed the Tag Team Belts! Tiger and Puma have won the championship! And saved wrestling!  
Sadie: Lars, I'm really confused.  
Lars: I love you, Tiger Millionaire.  
THE END


	11. Steven's Lion

Steven: I...need...water.  
Pearl: It'll be safer if you stand up and walk.  
Steven: Bitch. This how you supposed to act... in a fucking desert. Is this the thing?  
Garnet: Yes, Steven. The power in the structures have turned aimless.  
Pearl: It's building columns with no roofs, stairs that go nowhere! This is out of control!  
Amethyst: Then I guess we better...   
*Amethyst jumps over Steven*   
Amethyst: ... roll on over there. Heheh.  
Pearl: That was a bit unnecessary.  
Amethyst: Nuh-nuh nuh nuh nuh, nuh nuh nuh nuh.  
Pearl: Excuse me?!   
*A roaring sound comes out of nowhere*  
Steven: The hell was that?  
Amethyst: Let's go!  
Garnet: It'll be best if you stay here, Steven.  
Pearl: We'll be quick.  
Steven: What if something eats my dick?!  
Garnet: Do not worry,   
*Garnet wipes sweat off his face and flicks it back at him*   
Garnet: Wet One. There's nothing out here that can harm you. See you soon.  
Steven: Okay.   
*Steven walks over to a pillar as the Gems head off to investigate, Steven finds shade under a column*  
Steven: Guess I'll catch a quick nap.   
*Steven puts his shirt over his eyes. Steven hears a growl*   
Steven: The fuck?   
*Steven scans his surroundings and finds nothing*   
Steven: I'm probably high as shit right now.  
*Steven spots a shadowy figure and runs behind the column*  
Steven: SHITSHITSHITSHITSHIT!!!  
*The column collapses, revealing a pink furred Lion, Steven falls in surprise and begins to panic*  
Steven: Before you eat me, I just wanted you to know that my dick will give you diabetes.  
*The Lion yawns and lies down in front of him. Steven cautiously approaches him. He quickly learns he is seemingly harmless and begins to pet him, which Lion allows*  
Steven: Since when were lions pink? Not that I'm judging or anything. So, you fuck any hot lion chicks lately? I got Connie on my dick a few times. She kept telling me my dick was fucking small and that was killing the mood. You know what I'm saying saying?  
* A blast of sand covers them and they can hear the Gems approaching with the Desert Glass*  
Pearl: Amethyst, bubble it away.  
Amethyst: No, quit being jealous, Pearl. My kill, my keep.  
Pearl: I'm not jealous. Just be careful, if you drop it on the sand it'll rebuild everything!  
Steven: The hoes are coming! Quick, eat my head! They'll love it, trust me.  
Pearl: Steven! What is that? What are you doing?!  
*The Gems summon their weapons*   
Steven: Slow yo roll hoe. He's chill.  
Pearl: That's impossible.  
Steven: The fact that your nose is that big is impossible.  
Pearl: Get your hands out of that thing's mouth. We have to get the Desert Glass out of the desert.  
Amethyst: I got it.  
Garnet: Let's go, Steven.   
Steven: Yo Lion. You pretty cool. We should go get wasted some time. Ya feel me? Welp, bye.  
Pearl: Amethyst, that pillow needs to be contained.  
Amethyst: Yeah yeah, I know what to do with it.

*At the Temple*

*Steven and Amethyst nap under a pillow fort topped by the Desert Glass. A scratching sound comes from the door which wakes Steven up*  
Steven: What's that sound?  
*Amethyst, half asleep, puts her hand over his mouth*   
Amethyst: All I hear is your mouth.  
Steven: Why the fuck are you even asleep? You don't need to.  
Amethyst: We don't, feels good though.  
*Steven rolls his eyes and goes to answer the door*  
Steven: Lion? Look, I'm tryna sleep so could ya fuck off for a few hours?  
*Lion blinks*  
Steven: Fine. We'll hang out.

*Later at Fish Stew Pizza*

*Steven and Lion walking towards restaurant*  
Steven: I'm fucking starving. Stay your ass here while I go order.

*Inside the resturaunt*

Steven: What up bitches!  
Kiki: What're you having, Steven?  
Steven: Large pizza, extra fishy.  
Kiki: You must be hungry.  
Steven: I'm ordering for two.  
Ronaldo: Steven's pregnant?!  
Steven: You're retarded. I have a giant pet lion right outside.  
Kiki: You're not "lion" are you?  
Steven: Boooooo!  
Ronaldo: I believe it! Lots of weird stuff happens in Beach City. You'd know if you read my blog Keep Beach City Weird! I also have buttons!   
Steven: Just go outside and see.  
*Everyone rushes out*  
Ronaldo: This is amazing! It's invisible!  
Steven: What? He's not invisible. He's pink.  
Ronaldo: Pink? How can he be invisible and pink?  
Kiki: There's nothing out here Ronaldo, Steven was "lion". Sorry for using the same pun twice.   
*She walks back inside*  
Ronaldo: Bet you're not even pregnant...   
*He walks inside*  
Steven: Forget you then. Onion, you believe me right?   
*Onion glares angrily*

*At the Temple*

*Steven walks to his house, disappointed, but sees Lion scratching at the door of the house*  
Steven: Why the hell did you ditch me? I looked like a dumbass!  
*Lion breaks through the door and jumps inside*

*Inside the Temple*

*Lion walks in, Amethyst still asleep under pillow fort, unawakened by the disturbance. Lion emits a magic roar at the fort, knocking back Amethyst*  
Amethyst: Keep it down Steven.  
Steven: What's your problem?! The pillow?   
*Steven runs and picks up Desert Glass*   
Steven: Is this what you wanted? This pillow? I've been trying to hang out with you but all you cared about is this pillow?   
*Lion jumps up near Steven. Steven runs out of the house*

*Outside the Temple*

Steven: I'm done!   
*Steven throws the pillow on the beach. The beach begins to shake and the Desert Glass begins to erect several sand structures all around, Garnet and Pearl appear*  
Pearl: Steven! The Desert Glass, it's rebuilding its castle.   
*Amethyst walks out of the house*   
Pearl: Why didn't you bubble it earlier?!  
Amethyst: Welcome to shrug city, P.   
Pearl: Don't move, we're coming!  
Steven: Whatever.   
*A sandstorm surrounds him. Steven pushes through into the eye of the storm where many sand structures are erected and the Desert Glass rises atop a very tall column with several pillars branching off of it. Steven begins to jump off many crumbling sand structures towards the column, outside the sandstorm, the Glass has erected a massive sandstone wall, the Gems attempt to break through*  
*Garnet punches the wall*  
Garnet: This wall's not moving!  
Pearl: We gotta get through before things get any-   
*Amethyst is launched in the air via an erected column. Inside the eye, Steven jumps several more structures getting close to the Glass but falls while near the top, whilst plummeting towards his death, Lion suddenly appears and catches him mid-fall.*  
Steven: You came here to protect us from the pillow!   
*Lion growls in agreement, the Glass raises more walls. Lion lets out a magical roar, decimating obtruding sand spikes. Lion roars again and creates a path to the top, and sprints to the top. Lion breaks through the final walls and Steven takes the Glass, the sand structures and storm immediately dissipates, Lion lands roughly and Steven is flung forward with the glass, the Gems emerge from the sand and Steven chuckles nervously. Pearl bubbles the Desert Glass*  
Pearl: We should've done this in the first place.  
Amethyst: In my defense, I forgot.  
Steven: You alright Lion. Hoes, can we keep him?  
Pearl: Are we really going to let him keep that?  
Garnet: We kept Amethyst.  
Pearl: Oh, oh ho ho, "kept Amethyst", oh Garnet, that's priceless!  
Steven: Ugh.

THE END


	12. Arcade Mania

Garnet: This way.  
*Steven's jacket makes swishing noises as they walk together, which irritates Pearl*  
Pearl: Ugh! Steven! This is a stealth mission! You're making too much noise! Take off the jacket!  
Steven: Bitch I ain't tryna catch a cold.  
Pearl: Then why are you still wearing sandals?  
Steven: That's different. Fuck off birdface.  
Garnet: We're getting close.  
Pearl: C'mon then.  
*The Gems walk along, and Amethyst starts making noises that Steven's jacket makes*  
Steven: Quit it Amethot!   
*Amethyst keeps making the noise*  
Pearl: Steven!  
Steven: It wasn't me. Amethot, I will cut your tits of-   
*The ledge Steven is standing on starts to crumble*  
Pearl: Steven!  
*Steven falls over the cliff and plunges into the darkness screaming, only to be caught by Garnet at the bottom. Garnet holds him close when a Gem creature emerges a hole in the ceiling. It starts to shoot crystal spikes at them, which Garnet easily dodges*   
Pearl & Amethyst: Steven!   
*They jump down from the cliff*  
Garnet: Stay down.   
*She sets Steven down on the ground*  
Amethyst: Come on poofy.   
*Ametyst picks Steven up and runs off*  
Steven: I wanna watch!  
*The Gem creature tries to hit Garnet with its outer arms but fails, as she somersaults and dodges the attacks*  
Steven: GIT IT BLOCKHEAD!!  
*Garnet reaches the Gem creature and parries every attack by its inner arms. She then summons one of her gauntlets and punches into the creature's mouth. It explodes into a blue cloud, leaving behind crystal spikes, and Garnet emerges from the cloud with a spiky Gem in a bubble*  
Steven: Daaaammmmmnnnn! Bitch you got mad skills!  
Pearl: Look! The little ones didn't explode.   
*The crystal spikes burrow into the ground*   
Pearl: They're drilling away!  
Amethyst: I got it!   
*Amethyst dives into one of the holes, getting herself stuck*  
Garnet: Let them go. They're just parasites. If they want to be a problem, they'll have to answer to me.  
Steven: Daaaaammmmnnnn!  
*Amethyst is pulled out of the ground by Garnet*   
Amethyst: I swallowed a rock.

*At the Boardwalk*

Steven: You bitches looked so cool fighting that shit, y'all deserve to take a load off.  
Pearl: Sounds like you have something in mind.  
Steven: I'm taking y'all to the arcade.  
Pearl: Do we have anything else to do?  
Garnet: We don't.  
Amethyst: Um, don't you need money for that place?  
Steven: Shut the fuck up.

*Inside the arcade*

Steven: Just pick a game and go for it.  
Pearl: Humans find such fascinating ways to waste their time.  
Steven: Yo birdface, you'll love this game!   
Pearl: If you say so.   
*Pearl sits down at a racing game*   
Pearl: Road Killer?  
Steven: Congratulations, you can read. Just pick a car and play the damn game.  
Pearl: W-well, which one of these buttons is my turn signal?  
Steven: Ain't no one got time for that shit.  
*Steven leaves*  
Road Killer: Vroom-vroom, kill the road!  
Pearl: Oookaaay...  
*Steven finds Amethyst and teaches her to use the Skeeball machine*  
*Steven gives Amethyst a ball*   
Steven: This is Skee Ball. You roll the ball into the hole, and then you can even win tickets for prizes.   
*Steven points towards the prize booth. Onion turns a pile of tickets in to Mr. Smiley, who gives him a small moped*  
Amethyst: Cool.  
Steven: Try not to break the game.   
*Steven leaves, and Amethyst smiles devilishly. Steven finds Garnet and attempts to introduce another game to her too*  
Teens of Rage: Teens of Rage.  
Steven: Blockhead, this game is perfect for you! I'm sure you can figure out the controls, so for now, just punch and you'll be fine.  
Teens of Rage: Come on, punk!  
*Garnet literally punches the screen of the game machine*   
Garnet: I did it.  
Steven: WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT?! Well, at least I know a better game for you.   
*Steven leads her to Punch Buddy*   
Steven: Okay, this is a game you can actually punch.  
Punch Buddy: Come on, give it your best shot, kid.  
*Garnet swats Punch Buddy with one hand, sending it flying off the machine*  
Punch Buddy: Tell my wife I'm sorry!  
Garnet: I win again.  
Steven: Goddammit. Let's try Meat Beat Mania. Now I don't know who the fuck named this game but clearly they didn't get laid enough.  
*Steven hands Garnet the ham controllers. Garnet begins to play, as the game encourages her every move, and performs very well*  
Steven: Finally.  
*Steven walks back over to Pearl*  
Road Killer: You're horrible!  
Pearl Stop: saying that!  
Steven: Wassup.  
Pearl: Why am I doing so badly? I haven't crashed into anything!  
Steven: Bitch, you're supposed to crash into everything!  
Pearl: What?! That's horrible.  
Road Killer: You're horrible!  
*Steven notices Amethyst cheating*  
Steven: Amethot!  
*Amethyst straddles the outer ring of the Skeeball machine, dropping skeeballs directly into the center hole, attaining a huge pile of tickets*  
Steven: What the fuck are you doing?  
Amethyst: Imma win an airplane.  
Steven: Bitch you stupid.  
Mr. Smiley: Hey, you guys know what happened to Teens of Rage?  
Steven: ...Let's dip!   
*Steven drags Amethyst away*  
Amethyst: This place is fun!  
Steven: Birdface, we leavin!  
Pearl: Ugh, good.   
*Pearl leaves, as the in-game car crashes*  
Road Killer: You're fantastic!  
Steven: Blockhead, we leavin!   
*Garnet is still playing Meat Beat Mania. Mr. Smiley picks up the broken Punch Buddy*   
Mr.Smiley: What happened to Punch Buddy? Who did this to you?!  
Steven: Forget you then.   
*Steven leaves with Pearl and Amethyst*

*At the Temple*

*Steven eats breakfast, Amethyst lounges on the couch, and Pearl practices with her spear*  
Steven: So what we doin today? I hope it's... fighting, a giant... pussy!  
Pearl: If we're supposed to fight a "giant pussy", Garnet would let us know.  
Amethyst: Yeah, Garnet's the boss.  
Pearl: Well, we're all a team. Garnet just has heightened perception that guides us towards our mission objective.  
Amethyst: Yeah, she's the boss.  
Steven: So where she at? Fighting the pussy?  
Pearl: She's not "fighting the pussy". You know, Garnet goes off on missions without us all the time. She's probably doing something very important.  
Amethyst: Oh wait, Steven! I just remembered Garnet had a special mission for you!  
Steven: For real?!  
Amethyst: Yeah, she says um, you have to slam your face into that bowl of cereal.  
Steven: Bet.   
*Steven dunks his face into his bowl of cereal*  
Amethyst: Good job Steven! You stopped the pussy!  
Pearl There is no pussy!  
Steven: Not anymore.  
Pearl: Ugh!  
*Steven wipes his face with his shirt*   
Steven: I'mma go find some bread

*At the beach*

*Steven scours the beach for quarters with his Metal Slut. The Metal Slut starts moaning, and Steven digs into the ground*   
Steven: Metal dildo? That shit nasty!   
*The Metal Slut moans once more further down the beach*   
Steven: Now what?   
*Steven digs up another Metal Slut*   
Steven: Double sluts!   
*Both Metal Mutts moan together and Steven sees something in the sand*  
Steven: Quarters!  
*Steven attempts to pick up the quarter-shaped object, but a green creature attacks and clings to his hand*  
Steven: SHIT!  
*The creature is flung upwards into the air by Steven's flailing. It then turns into a drill shape and dive downwards towards Steven. Steven manages to dodge out of the way, but several more similar creatures appear from the sand and attack Steven. He attempts to fend them off with a Metal Slut, but it gets destroyed. The creatures attack again and Steven tries to flee. Pearl and Amethyst then appear around the corner of a nearby cliff and see Steven being attacked.)  
Pearl: Steven!  
Amethyst: It's the little guys!   
*Pearl summons her spear to fight back, but unable to hit the small and fast targets. Countless more of the parasites appear and begin to rain down upon them, forcing Pearl and Amethyst to flee with Steven along the boardwalk*  
Pearl: They're everywhere, why didn't we see this coming?!  
Steven: We need blockhead!  
Pearl: We don't know where she is!  
Steven: Meat Beat Mania...   
*Steven runs into the arcade, separating from Pearl and Amethyst*  
Pearl: Steven, where are you going?!

*Inside the arcade*

*Steven enters the arcade and sees Garnet still playing Meat Beat Mania, entranced by its rhythm and unresponsive to Steven, while Onion is watching nearby with his moped*  
Steven: Blockhead! Ya gotta come quick. Blockhead! Those... little shits are back an-and they're a problem!   
*Steven looks at the screen of the game machine*   
Steven: Whooaaa... I've never seen anyone get this far. B-but you gotta get back and help the others.   
*Garnet ignores him*   
Steven: Uh, blockhead? Blockhead, come on!   
*Steven tries to push Garnet*   
Steven: Blockhead, hey!   
*Steven tries pulling her instead*   
Steven: This is serious, birdface and Amethot are in trouble.  
*Steven starts climbing atop Garnet's head*  
Steven: Blockhead! Why. Are you. So. Hard. To. Climb?!   
*He removes Garnet's visor, revealing her third eye, fixated and moving rapidly to the game's movements*   
Steven: Holy shit...!   
*Steven drops the visor, which magically disappears, and falls off of Garnet*   
Steven: I'll save you hoe.   
*Steven unplugs the game. The game promptly shuts off. Garnet throws the controllers up in the air, uses her Gem powers to reactivate the game machine and continues playing. Steven sees Pearl fending off the parasites outside the arcade and gasps*  
Steven: Fine. Time to beat her ass my way.  
*Steven inserts two quarters into the machine and takes up the Player Two position to compete with Garnet. The game starts*  
Meat Beat Mania: Let's meat it, prepare your meats! Shake it! Tenderize!   
*Steven loses*  
Meat Beat Mania: Player One wins! You're toast, Player Two!   
*Steven competes again, but loses again*   
Meat Beat Mania: Eat it up! A Player Two barbecue!  
Steven: Shit!  
*Steven takes out his last two quarters*   
Steven: This my last shot!   
*Steven inserts them into the machine*  
Meat Beat Mania: Let's meat it! Rack those ribs, spice it up! Thrill is in the grill! You're toasted!  
Steven: This. Is. It!   
*Steven strikes a pose but still loses, unable to beat Garnet's perfect rhythm*   
Steven: AUUUUGGGHHHH!!!!!!! Blockhead, snap out of it! What the fuck's wrong with you?! You got to stop!   
*Steven grabs onto the game console and starts prying it apart*   
Steven: Playing this... horrible... game!  
*Steven rips the console "grill" off the game machine and smashes it into the screen repeatedly, destroying the game machine. Garnet quickly comes to her senses and her third eye closes*  
Garnet: Steven!  
Steven: Blockhead!  
*Garnet summons her visor over her eyes*  
Garnet: You won.  
*Mr. Smiley stomps in angrily after witnessing Steven destroying Meat Beat Mania*  
Mr. Smiley: It was you! You've been breaking my games!  
*Garnet leaps outside of the arcade to fight the parasites*   
Garnet: Pearl! Amethyst!  
Steven: Lemme help!   
*Steven tries to run outside*  
Mr. Smiley: Oh no! No no!   
*Mt. Smiley grabs Steven and lifts him up*   
Mr. Smiley: Don't you go flippity flopping out of here.  
*Steven is sweeping the floor of the arcade while the Gems are fighting outside. Garnet destroys a parasite. Steven starts pretending to fight, when Mr. Smiley walks by, glancing at him*   
Steven: I'm working! Damn. 

THE END


	13. Giant Woman

Amethyst: Ha, take that!  
Pearl: Wow, Amethyst, I'm impressed.  
*Pearl gets hit with a water balloon*  
Steven: Let’s go you thirsty hoe.  
Pearl: Steven, are the water balloons really necessary?  
Steven: Nah, I like throwin’ them at ya cuz they make yo shirt wet enough to see through.  
Amethyst: *twirls a strand of her wet hair around her finger* It sounds like someone's being a sore loser.  
Pearl: I'm not a sore loser...  
*Pearl captures all of Amethyst's pieces in one fell swoop*  
Pearl: Because I just won the game.  
Amethyst: Whaaa—?! Here it comes!  
*Amethyst holds her arms out, as Steven pelts her with all his water balloons, and falls backward on her back*  
Amethyst: Aaah! Ha, feels good to lose.  
Pearl: Ahem, I certainly hope that's not the attitude you have during battle.  
Amethyst: Ugh, you're no fun anymore. This is why we never form Opal.  
Pearl: We don't form Opal because you're difficult and a mess.  
Amethyst: We don't form Opal because you're uptight and—  
Steven: Shut the fuck up and tell me who this Opal bitch is!  
Amethyst: Oh it's the two of us, mashed together.  
Pearl: Is water just hydrogen and oxygen "mashed" together?  
Amethyst and Steven: Uuuuhh…  
Pearl: ...Analogy wasted. Look here, Steven.  
*Pearl starts manipulating the sand in animated figurines*  
Pearl: When we synchronize our forms we can combine into a powerful fusion gem named Opal.  
*Amethyst stomps on the sand figurine*  
Amethyst: Except I don't dance like that.  
Pearl: Amethyst!  
Steven: Daaaaammmn! Tell me more about this bitch!  
Amethyst: Well, Steven, she's an ultra-powerful, stone-cold Betty— That part's me. And she's like, kinda tall…That part's Pearl.  
Pearl: What Amethyst is attempting to say is, Opal is an amalgam of our combined magical and physical attributes, fused into a single entity.  
Steven: Do that shit right now!  
*Amethyst scoffs*  
Pearl: We only form Opal when it's absolutely necessary.  
*Light emits from inside the Beach House*  
Steven: Blockhead's back!

(Inside the Beach House)

Steven: Ey, you got my weed?  
*Garnet holds out a rock*  
Steven: BITCH WHAT THE FUCK!!  
Pearl: So, was your mission a success?  
Garnet: I have located the Geode Beetles of Heaven and Earth. We should split up to retrieve them.  
Amethyst: Well I'm going with not Pearl.  
Pearl: Well that's perfect because I don't want to go with grammatically incorrect people anyway.  
Steven: Shut yo flat bird lookin ass up.  
Garnet: You three go together, I go alone.  
Pearl & Amethyst: What? Why?  
Garnet: The Earth Beetle's at the bottom of the boiling lava lake, and only I can swim in lava.  
*Garnet summons a pair of goggles over her eyes*  
You'll find the Heaven Beetle at the top of the Sky Spire. It's safer.  
Amethyst: You mean boring-er.  
Pearl: You mean more boring.  
Amethyst: So you agree with me.  
Pearl: Ugh! Come on, you two, lets go.  
*Steven throws his rock out the window. He, Pearl and Amethyst then walk towards the Warp Pad.*  
Garnet: Steven, be sure to keep the harmony.  
Steven: Suck my dick hoe!  
*He warps away with Pearl and Amethyst*

(At the Sky Spire)  
Steven: This where the beetle is?  
Pearl: Apparently.  
Amethyst: All the way at the top.  
Steven: So, when you fuse, do you turn into a giant giant hoe, or just a regular-sized giant hoe? Does one of you control the right arm and the other control the left arm?  
Pearl: Come on, Steven.  
Steven: ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION!  
Steven: Y’all should form Opal so I can eat your pussy!  
Pearl and Amethyst: No.  
Steven: What about if you swallow cum? Whose stomach does it go into? Or do you share the same stomach?  
*A nearby bush begins to rustle, causing Pearl and Amethyst to summon their weapons. A goat jumps out of the bush, eating a thicket.*  
Steven: OH FUCK! THE ANIMAL GODS ARE ANGRY! FORM OPAL BEFORE IT CAN BITE MY DICK OFF!!  
Pearl: Ugh, Steven, we only fuse for deadly situations. Does this look like a deadly situation?  
*Pearl points at the goat, and it bites her hand*  
Pearl: Ow! Hey, bad mountain goat!  
*The goat bleats in response, and Amethyst starts laughing so hard she falls over*  
Steven: FUCK!  
*Steven sighs*  
Steven:  
All I wanna do is see you turn into  
A giant slutbag,  
A giant slutbag!  
All I wanna be is someone who gets to see  
A giant slutbag.  
All I wanna do is help you turn into  
A giant slutbag,  
A giant slutbag!  
All I wanna be is someone who gets to see  
A giant slutbag.  
Oh I know it'll be great and I just can't wait  
To see the size of your smelly pussy.  
If you give it a chance you can do a huge dance  
Because you are a giant slutbag.  
You might even like fucking together  
And if you don't it will be forever.  
But if it were me,  
I'd really wanna be a giant slutbag,  
A giant slutbag!  
All I wanna do is see you turn into  
A giant slutbag.

*The goat leaps off, dropping Steven off its back, and hops across several pieces of floating platforms onto the other side*  
Steven: Get yo ass back here!  
*Steven tries to follow the goat but is stopped by Pearl*  
Pearl: Wait, Steven! I'm not sure you can make those jumps.  
Steven: Oh, you should fuse into Opal, so you can shoot me out of your pussy!  
Pearl: We don't need Opal to get across.  
Steven: It would be easier you stupid bitch.  
Amethyst: Not as easy as this!  
*Amethyst picks Steven up, throws him on a floating platform and then jumps towards him*  
Steven: For once you had a good idea Amethot  
Amethyst: Hah, I know, I'm full of 'em.  
*Pearl makes a noise that sounds a lot like ‘DOOOW’*  
Steven: Relax Birdface  
*Steven starts wobbling the floating platform. Amethyst joins in the wobbling and it causes Steven to fall off the platform. Pearl quickly dives after the screaming Steven, with Amethyst's whip wrapped around her, and catches him. Amethyst then fishes both of them back up onto the platform*  
Steven: Bitch I wanted to die.

(At the Sky Spire)

Steven: I’m gonna die now…  
*Steven suddenly harnesses the energy of the universe and runs over to a small temple, Steven Jr. standing next to it*  
Steven: Look at this shit!  
Pearl: It's just where Garnet said it would be. The Heaven Beetle should be inside.  
Steven: Check it out, it's even got some hot girl magazines, and a PlayStation, and a little dildo.  
Pearl: But where's the beetle? It's supposed to be here, the Heaven Beetle wouldn't leave, would it? Oh! It could be anywhere!  
Amethyst: Maybe you should freak out some more, that's really gonna help us find it.  
Pearl: I can't believe your attitude, Amethyst. And now you're just slouching over here doing nothing.  
Amethyst: Hey, it's not my fault the beetle isn't there. Why do you have to make things worse by squawking at me?!  
Pearl: I don't squawk!  
Amethyst: Yeah, you're squawking at me and commenting on my posture!  
Pearl: THIS is squawking! SQUAWK, SQUAWK!  
Steven: WILL YOU HOES STICK A DICK IN IT?!  
*Just then a giant bird monster emerges from the lake surrounding the tiny temple. It then swallows Steven Jr. whole*  
Steven: My lunch...  
*Pearl summons her spear and hurls it at the giant bird monster, which it swallows, forcing the group to retreat back into the spiraling passage*  
Amethyst: In here, guys!  
Pearl: It swallowed my spear!  
Steven: Can you hoes form Opal already?!  
*The giant bird monster begins pecking at the roof of the passage. Pearl and Amethyst attempt the fusion dance but fail*  
Amethyst: So you wanna try that again? With less hitting me in the face this time?  
Pearl: Well, it would have worked if your movements weren't so erratic and formless.  
Amethyst: So it's all my fault? Ho ho, you totally weren't even trying to sync with my dancing. You should know how I dance by now!  
Steven: DAMMIT! I WANTED TO EAT OPAL’S GIANT PUSSY!  
*Just then, the giant bird monster breaks through the roof and swallows Steven whole*  
Pearl and Amethyst: Steven!

(In the Giant Bird)

Steven: Oh my god! This is exactly how I pictured my death!  
*Several giant arms start penetrating from the ground, frightening Steven and Steven Jr., as they try to flee. An arm grabs Steven Jr. Steven gets grabbed too and pulled away*

(At the Sky Spire)

*Outside, a mysterious giant woman pulls Steven and Steven Jr. out of the giant bird monster and leaps off. The giant bird monster starts dissolving, revealing several Gem Shards. The giant woman lands into the lake, carrying Steven, and sets Steven Jr. safely on the ground*  
Steven: Opal?  
*Opal looks on, as the Gems shards transform into the smaller bird monsters and start attacking her and Steven. Opal slides down the spiraling passage and jumps across the broken pass to safe ground. She then gently puts Steven down*  
Opal: Stay low.  
*Opal summons both Amethyst's whip and Pearl's spear and combines them into a large bow. She draws back the bow, generating an energy arrow and fires it at the flock of bird monsters. It destroys the bird monsters, turning them back into Gem shards, and bubbles every single of them. Opal then turns back to Steven, staring in awe, and offers her hand. Steven takes her hand and stands up*  
Steven: Can I eat your pussy now?

(At the Beach House)

Steven: Wassup!  
Garnet: The Heaven Beetle.  
Opal: I don't have it.  
*Opal begins to deform and split back into Amethyst and Pearl*  
Pearl: Amethyst! You got distracted!  
Amethyst: Hey! You were the one getting carried away with all those fancy backflips!  
Steven: We’re all useless fucks! Also, Opal’s pussy tasted terrible!


	14. So Many Birthdays

Pearl: How can you live like this?  
Amethyst: It was fine 'til you guys started whining.  
Pearl: Whining?! The whole temple reeks!  
*Steven probes some garbage with a stick and retrieves something wrapped in tinfoil*  
Steven: This shit stinks!  
Pearl: What matter of magical alloy is this?  
*Steven unwraps the tinfoil, and a puff of green gas plumes out*  
Garnet: It's a burrito.  
*Amethyst takes the visibly rotten burrito*   
Amethyst: It's the Tuna Burrito from Aqua-Mexican!  
Steven: I got hella blowjobs from that place!   
*Amethyst takes a bite of the burrito, Steven flinches in disgust and Pearl looks on in horror.*   
Steven: The fuck is this?   
*Steven spots a painting of the Gems and a dildo shark on it*   
Steven: It looks like you guys riding a dildo shark.  
Pearl: Oh Steven, that is us.  
Steven: For real?  
Garnet: The hard part was getting the shark to pose.  
Steven: Amethot, you have some really saggy tits. And how old are you hoes?  
Pearl: Much older than any human.  
Steven: Does that mean y’all live forever?!  
Pearl: No, no. We don't age. But we can still get hurt and die.  
Steven: I just can't believe you hoes are like a bazillion years old! How do you find a dick big enough for all those pussies?  
Garnet: We don't really celebrate birthdays.  
Steven: Bitch what?  
Garnet: It's not our way.  
Steven: Well you’re gonna have birthdays whether you like it or not. I pledge that you will have your birthdays, with all the dick, weed, and threesomes you've been denied.

(Outside the Crystal Temple)

*Outside, several birthday decorations are set up: a picnic mat with sex items, a cake with lots of weed, sex dolls, and a large "dildo throne". Amethyst sits on the throne wearing a strap on, while Pearl and Garnet sit on folding chairs. Lion is seen jacking off in the background.*  
Steven: And the birthday hoe is, Amethot!   
*Steven starts singing "Spoiled Milk Titties", when he notices Lion fucking a birthday hat*   
Steven: Hey!, It goes like this.   
*Steven puts the hat on Lion's dick, and Lion tries to take it off*   
Steven: Lion, I’m gonna turn you into a steak.  
*Amethyst uses a birthday hat to simulate Pearl's nose, and pokes Pearl's nose with it*   
Amethyst: Boop.  
Pearl: GAOH!   
*Pearl chases Amethyst*   
Pearl: You will remove that this instant!  
Steven: Wait! Here.   
*Steven offers Amethyst a bat with a ribbon on it*  
Amethyst: Awww, thanks! I'll use it all the time!   
*Amethyst attempts to hit Pearl with it*  
Steven: No! It's for the piñata.   
*Steven holds the piñata, as a blindfolded Amethyst swings wildly at it. Amethyst almost hit Steven, scaring him. He hands the piñata to Garnet and hides behind her. Amethyst swings and smacks Garnet repeatedly*   
Amethyst: Am I... getting... close?!   
*Amethyst hits Garnet in the head*  
Garnet: Higher.  
*Amethyst takes a peeks, jumps at the piñata, and smacks it flying out and into the ocean.*  
Amethyst: Ha, what next Steven?  
Steven: Well, you were supposed to get weed flavored candy when you broke it open.  
Amethyst: Wait, you had candy and you didn't just give it to us?  
Steven: There will be more weed at Birdface's party. I promise.

(On the cliff facing Beach City)  
*Steven brings them to a cliff overlooking Beach City. The Gems are sitting on a picnic mat, with Pearl now wearing the birthday outfit. Steven is dressed like a stripper*  
Steven: Happy Birthday!   
Amethyst: Steven! That is a brave look.  
Steven: No, it's sexy.  
Pearl: How?  
Steven: Shut up and smoke your weed. I wrote some jokes!   
*Steven takes out a pile of papers*   
Steven: "Why did Birdface become a stripper?"  
*Amethyst looks at a confused Pearl*   
Amethyst: You did what?  
Steven: Cuz she sucked at everything else!  
Pearl: I never did that. Steven, are you telling lies?  
Steven: Nah bitch. I literally saw you sucking some bitches dick. Anyway, do you like pie?  
Pearl: I DO like pie.  
Steven: Well then you're in luck, I baked you a pie. I sure hope nothing happens to it!  
Pearl: Yes, me too.  
*Steven intentionally trips. Pearl catches Steven*   
Pearl: WOAH! Steven, I've got you. Be careful, you almost fell right on that-   
*Steven shoves the pie in his own face.*   
Pearl: Ah!  
Steven: See, Pearl? It's sexy!   
*Pearl hides nervously behind Garnet and whispers to her.*  
Garnet: Pearl says she's all partied out and she's ready to go home.  
Steven: Fuck y’all.

(In an empty lot near the Big Donut)

*Steven brings the Gems to an empty lot. Garnet is wearing the birthday outfit now.  
Steven: Okay, there's no way you're not gonna love this!   
*Steven points to three small kiddie cars*   
Steven: It's dildo racers! You get in a car, you sit on a dildo, what more could you want?!  
Pearl: I think this is why aging makes humans die!  
Garnet: Steven, thank you for the birthday parties, but I don't think we'll need any more.  
Steven: Why?  
Garnet: Our age is only an illusion. And Pearl's pretty sure this ritual is more for human children.  
Pearl: Nothing against children.  
Steven: Eat a dick you stupid bitches.  
Amethyst: I can fit!   
*Amethyst shapeshifts into a baby and sits in a small kiddie jeep*   
Amethyst: Which way to the baby war? EAT TREAD, DIRT BAGS!  
Steven: I’m done.

(At the Beach City Boardwalk]

Steven: I need to get my dick sucked or something  
*As the mist envelops Steven, his gem starts to glow, causing him to mature into a teenager, with facial face and pimples. He sighs in a cracking voice, when he sees Onion at the Funland Arcade.*  
Steven: Oh Onion. We need to get you laid.   
*Steven turns around, just as Onion dies of a heart attack.

(In Funland Arcade)

Steven: Dildohead Jr.! Ooh, I can't be seen playing a wack-ass game like Dildohead Jr. I better stick to sophisticated games, like regular Dildohead.   
Dildohead: It's dildo time. You're gonna get dildoed!   
*Steven sucks the dildo as it vibrates*

(On the Beach City Boardwalk)

Steven: That was boring as fuck. Even my dick’s bigger than that.   
*Steven sees a "Help Wanted" sign on the T-Shirt Shop's window. His gem glows and ages him into a full-grown man, deepening his voice and his current clothes visibly too small for him now.*   
Steven: It's time, to get a proper job.   
*Steven enters the store and looks at the shirts*   
Steven: Never mind. I’mma go get my fat ass a donut.   
*Steven walks towards the Big Donut, as his gem glows*

(At the Big Donut)

Steven: Gimme yo money bitches.  
Sadie: Sir, are you okay?  
Steven: I'M... HORNY!  
Lars: Yeah, and nuts!  
Steven: Will you help me into my stripper suit?  
*Sadie and Lars are stunned. Taking it the wrong way, Sadie chases the old Steven out of the Big Donut with a stool.*  
Sadie: Yeah! You better run!

(At the Beach)

Steven: I'm... too... old... for this.   
*His gem glows, aging him into a very old man with a gray beard, and he trips over a random vibrator on the floor. Lion then approaches him.*   
Steven: Lion...   
*Lion picks Steven up with his mouth and runs towards the temple.*

(At the Crystal Temple)

*The Gems are picking up the birthday decorations.*  
Pearl: You know, Steven was right, this is fun.  
Amethyst: You don't have to keep wearing that stuff.  
Garnet: It makes me feel... important.  
*Lion comes in and drops the aged Steven in front of the Gems. Garnet and Amethyst rush towards him.*  
Pearl: Steven! What's wrong with him?  
Amethyst: He's okay, he's just really, really, really, really old.  
Pearl: Gems can't die from aging. But he's half human.  
Amethyst: Can't we fix him?  
Steven: My stripper suit might help.  
*Garnet takes the stripper suit off her and Steven wears it, leaning against Lion.*  
Amethyst: Good as new!... Right?  
*Steven continues to age further. Amethyst looks on in horror and Pearl is weeping. Garnet grabs and pulls Pearl and Amethyst away.*  
Garnet: More birthdays. Now!*  
Amethyst: Check it out, B-Day Boy.  
*Amethyst has shapeshifted into a kiddie car, with Garnet riding in her.*  
Amethyst: I'm a tiny car!  
Garnet: Beep beep.  
Steven: Lame.  
*Steven keeps aging, and Amethyst shiftshapes back to normal. Amethyst shapeshifts into a piñata*   
Amethyst: Ooh, piñata time!   
*Steven keeps aging.*  
Garnet: It's not working.  
Amethyst: Pearl! Get over here.  
Pearl: I can't!  
Amethyst: FOR STEVEN!   
*Amethyst plants Pearl, wearing a stripper suit and holding a pie, in front of Steven*  
*Pearl approaches Steven, weeping*   
Pearl: Oh, look!... I have what umm... what appears to be a delicious pie... I sincerely hope that... nothing happens to- OH STEVEN!   
*Pearl breaks down and shoves the pie in her face*  
Amethyst: Are you trying to kill him faster?!   
*Pearl starts crying and clings tightly to Amethyst.*   
Amethyst: Pearl!   
*Garnet shoves them aside and walks towards Steven. She picks him up and starts shaking him violently.*  
Amethyst and Pearl: GARNET?!?!   
*They rush over to stop Garnet*  
Pearl: Wait a minute, what are you doing?!  
Amethyst: Garnet, STOP!!  
Garnet: I thought... violence... would be the answer.  
*Garnet slowly puts down Steven, who is still aging. The severely-aged Steven can only barely see and hear the Gems arguing in despair with one another. He slowly picks himself up.*  
Steven: Will you hoes…  
*His gem glows again, turning him back into an adult.*   
Steven: Quit buggin out??!   
*The Gems stop fighting and look at Steven.*   
Steven: Fuck.   
*Steven turns into a teenager and blushes*   
Steven: I wanna jack off again.  
*Steven turns back into an adult*  
Pearl: Wha-?  
Garnet: Steven, you're changing!  
Pearl: Your age is fluctuating, I think your gem is reacting to your state of mind.  
Amethyst: Steven! Stop feeling old!  
*Steven turns into a teenager*   
Steven: Lemme eat yo pussy!  
*Steven turns into an old man*  
Garnet, Pearl and Amethyst: Steven!  
Pearl: You have to feel like yourself! Sweet and considerate and only occasionally obnoxious!  
*Steven turns into a teenager*   
Steven: Really?  
Garnet: Yes!  
Amethyst: Why else would you throw us all those parties?  
Steven: Damn.  
*Steven turns back to normal*   
Steven: I am pretty dope.  
Pearl: Oh, Steven!   
*Pearl rushes with Amethyst to hug Steven*   
Pearl and Amethyst: Steven!  
Garnet: We'll work on the rest, later.  
*Steven looks down to see that his dick has grown 7 feet*  
THE END


	15. Lars and The Cool Kids

*The Gems are standing at the top of a cliff, overlooking a moss-covered swamp. Steven is seen hopping on the rocks in the swamp*  
Pearl: This doesn't look good at all.  
*Steven reaches out to touch the moss*  
Amethyst: No, Steven, wait!  
Pearl: No, Steven! Don't go near that stuff!  
*The moss starts crawling towards Steven. Garnet throws a nearby boulder at the rock Steven is standing on, catapulting him into Pearl's arms. Pearl puts Steven down*   
Pearl: You have to be careful, Steven!  
Steven: Why?   
*A duck is seen attempting to sit on a floating log in the swamp when the moss engulfs the log*  
Steven: What is that shit?  
Garnet: It's the moss that Rose Quartz raised on the hill.  
Steven: So…my mom shits moss?  
Pearl: Rose Quartz used to climb that hill every spring and tend to the moss at the top.   
*Pearl projects a hologram of Rose at the top of a hill*   
Pearl: But now that Rose is... gone, the moss is on the move!  
Steven: It's lost.  
Amethyst: It's not lost. It's gross.  
Pearl: Yes, but Rose loved it anyway. She saw the beauty in everything, no matter how gross. *flicks her hair* Fortunately, I know just what to do in this situation.  
*The Crystal Gems gets off the cliff and onto ground level. Garnet, Amethyst, and Steven sit down on the ground, as they watch what Pearl is going to do. She then strikes a pose*  
Pearl: Twooooh!   
*Pearl gives Steven a lap dance*   
Pearl: Haaaaaah!  
*Pearl’s gem starts to glow*  
Steven: This shit is fuckin hot!  
*A small glowing object appears out of Pearl's gem and into Steven's hands, revealing a roll of yellow tape reading "POLICE LINE"*  
Steven: The fuck?  
Pearl: Isn't this great? This way, we don't even have to use magic. Humans will just see this and walk away.  
*Garnet, perched on a rock, slams her fist into her palm like a baseball mitt.*  
Garnet: Don't hold back.  
Amethyst: I never... do!   
*Amethyst throws the roll of tape to Garnet. The Crystal Gems start wrapping the entrance to the swamp in police tape.)  
Pearl: ♪La la-la la-la~   
*Pearl ties the police tape into a bow shape*   
Pearl: Perfect!♪   
*The Crystal Gems gather to inspect the handiwork*  
Pearl: Now we can come up with a plan to move the moss back to its hill!  
Steven: I’m gonna go get my fat ass some food.

(At Fish Stew Pizza)

Steven: I thought I came but I peed on the dick. Pubic hair got inches, that’s weave on the dick. Pussy like a tree, it got leaves on the shit. Bang bang this pussy, Chief Keef with the dick. Yo, is that Lars?  
*Lars groans*   
Lars: Why now?  
Steven: Wassup homie. High five my dick.  
Lars: No, Steven! No high fives!  
Steven: At least let me fuck yo skinny ass  
Lars: STEVEN!  
Steven: Just sayin. Anyway, why ain’t you at the strip club?  
Lars: I don't spend my whole life at work.   
*Lars flips a jacket over his shoulder*   
Lars: I do... other things.  
Steven: Like standing against this wall like the thirsty bitch you are?  
Lars: What does it look like?!  
Steven: Looks like you tryna get yo ass beat.  
Lars: That's the plan, Steven.   
Steven: Eat my dick.  
Lars: Excuse me?  
Steven: Did I stutter?  
*Three cool kids are seen fucking inside, while Kiki stands behind them. *  
Jenny: He opened the door, and there was doggy-doo everywhere.  
Buck: That's nasty. I don't like nasty stuff.  
*Sour Cream's eating a chocolate dildo*  
Steven: Damn they ugly. Who are those bitches?  
Lars: Jenny, Sour Cream, and Buck Dewey.  
Steven: Do you stalk them?  
Lars: N-not quite, but I'm sure we'll hang at some point.  
Steven: Just go ask them to have sex with you.  
Lars: T-T-That's not how these things work, Steven! The plan is to keep it cool and let them come to me.   
*Lars leans on the wall again*  
*Jenny, Sour Cream, and Buck exit Fish Stew Pizza*  
Lars: Aah! Steven, turn around! Act natural!   
*Lars looks away quickly, sweating profusely*  
Jenny: Tell Dad I'll be back later.   
*They walk off*  
Steven: Ignored once again. That’s sad.  
Lars: Steven, you were blocking me with your... big hair! Aah!  
Steven: I’ll go tell em how thirsty you are.   
*Steven walks towards the cool kids*  
Lars: Steven, no, don't go over there!   
*Steven walks towards them anyways, Lars continues to look away*   
Lars: I hate you!  
Buck: Muffins that are like, this big.   
*Buck gestures with his hands*  
Jenny: Those things are too sweet for me.  
Steven: Can I eat your pussy?  
Lars: Aah, he's gonna wreck everything! What are they saying? I can't hear them!   
*Steven is flipping off Lars in the background*   
Lars: No-ho-ho! My life is horrible!  
Steven: Sup bitch!  
*Lars snaps into a "cool" pose*   
Lars: Yo.  
Steven: They invited us along for a fart contest.   
Lars: Huh? W-Wait a minute, they— you—? Steven, you got lucky. So don't ruin this with any of your lame schtick.  
Steven: Watch how you talk to me. I know things. Those things. I know those things and those things know me, and therefore those things don’t know that I know those things. And I know those things cuz those things are right in front of my face. I’LL TELL THEM LARS. DON’T TEST ME.  
*Lars face-palms. The whole group then walks towards Jenny's Car*  
Jenny: Hop on in guys.  
Steven: My dick is small!  
*The group files into the car. Buck, Steven, and Lars are seated in the back, Sour Cream in the front passenger, and Jenny is the driver*  
Buck: Where'd you get that rad shirt, Steven?  
Steven: Hot Topic I think.  
Buck: Yeah man, living free. I like it.  
Lars: Hey, check out my shirt.   
*Lars points at his own shirt with a snake design*  
Buck: Oh, that snake is nasty.  
Lars: Oh.   
*Lars fakes a laugh*   
Yeah, I hate snakes!  
Buck: Oh, what? That's too bad, some snakes are pretty cool.  
*Jenny starts up the car*  
Steven: Anyone have a condom?  
Lars: Quit being lame, Steven.  
Sour Cream: Yeah, now let's get some spaced-out beats up in here.   
*Sour Cream tunes the car radio to an electronica station*   
Sour Cream: Yeah, I could rave to this.   
*Sour Cream slowly sways his arms in front of him*  
Lars: Hey, this car is really cool Jenny.  
Jenny: It's just the delivery car for my Dad's lame shop. Makes me smell like pizza. Where to, y'all?   
*Jenny starts driving off*  
Buck: I don't even know.  
Steven: Yo, let’s go shoot up the Big Donut.  
*Jenny drives up next to the Big Donut*   
Jenny: That old place?  
Buck: Man that place is a drag.  
Steven: But that's where Lars got his tiny dick sucked.  
*Lars starts coughing loudly*   
Lars: Quiet Steven.   
Steven: Eat a dick bitch!

(In Beach City)

*The group drives through the heart of town. Steven notices the Funland Arcade*   
Steven: Let’s go to the arcade.  
Sour Cream: Man, I beat all the "G's" in there like 3 million times.  
Lars: Yeah, me too.  
Steven: Yeah right.  
Sour Cream: Honestly though, I'm just exaggerating to sound cool.  
Steven: You’re on sad little man ain’t ya?  
*The group drives up next to the city park, where Mayor Dewey is holding a rally*  
Jenny: Hey Buck, isn't that your dad?  
Mayor Dewey: ... Another reason you should re-elect me, I love babies. Will you look at that, a baby! *Mayor Dewey's aid holds a baby towards him*  
Mayor Dewey: Gonna kiss it...   
*The Mayor gives the baby a long kiss, and the crowd applauds*  
Steven: Sap.  
Buck: Man, he never kisses me like that.  
Lars: That's rough, bro.  
Buck: It's not rough. The lack of daddy kisses in my life made me who I am.   
Jenny: Oh my gosh guys, we should check out Dead Man's Mouth.   
Steven: What's Dead Man's Mouth?  
Buck: Oh it's this lake where some dude died, or it looks like a mouth? I forget the specifics.  
Jenny: Dead Man's Mouth. Here. We. Come!   
*Jenny shifts up a car gear, and the car speeds off*

(At Dead Man's Mouth)

Jenny: We're here..  
*Steven notices the police tape the Crystal Gems put up earlier and moans like a slut*  
Lars: Steven, stop being lame. Let's check this place out.  
*Lars walks towards the entrance of the swamp. The others murmur in agreement and accompany him. The group stares at the police tape surrounding the entrance.)  
Sour Cream: Huh, police tape..   
*Sour Cream eats the tape and walks through*   
Sour Cream: Awesome.  
Buck: I'm above the law.   
Jenny: Who wants to go for a swim?  
*Steven takes out his dick and begins to beat it as Jenny and the others take off their clothes.*  
Sour Cream: Pants become shorts.  
*Lars quickly takes off his shirt and begins to walk toward the swamp*  
Steven: Don’t go in there you stupid bitches!  
Jenny: Steven, you trying to scare us?  
Buck: Build an atmosphere, I appreciate that.  
Sour Cream: Oooooh!  
Steven: Fine! Go die!  
*Jenny, Sour Cream and Buck jump into the swamp. Lars tries to follow suit but Steven holds him in place.*  
Lars: Hey, what are you doing man?!  
Steven: Eat my dick!  
Lars: Steven, what. Is. Your. Deal??  
*Lars tries to push Steven off but stops when he notices the others are suddenly engulfed and dragged underwater by the growing moss around them. Lars falls back in fear.*  
Lars: Aah!  
Steven: Oh no!   
*A small patch of moss attacks his foot, clinging to it*  
Steven: Aaah!  
Lars: What's going on?!  
Steven: I think my mom had sex here and the moss wanted an encore.  
Lars: Wait, your mom—?  
*Suddenly, Jenny, Sour Cream and Buck reemerge on the water surface, covered in moss. They crawl towards the edge of the swamp and collapse, as the moss covers their whole bodies entirely*  
Lars: Guys, hang on!  
*Lars and Steven start ripping away the moss off of Jenny, Sour Cream and Buck, but the moss rapidly grows back. Steven thinks for a moment and sees the hill in the background.*  
Lars: This is all your fault! I knew if something went wrong today it would be because of you! Now I'm never going to be friends with these guys. All because of your... weird mom!  
*Steven's eyes narrow in shock and rage*  
Steven: I'LL KICK YA SO HARD IN YO' BALLS, THAT IT'LL REPLACE YO' TONSILS. AND IF YA GET TONSILLITIS, THEN THEY TAKE OUT YO' TONSILS, BUT GUESS WHAT? THEY REALLY TAKIN' OUT YO' BALLS. BUT THEY'LL STILL GIVE YA ICE CREAM. Y'ALL THINK IT'S JUST EMPTY THREATS? YA THINK THIS IS AN EMPTY THREAT? OH, THAT'S IT. NOW I'M BENT! I GOT MAH VASELINE. OH, I'M 'BOUT TO PUT THAT VASELINE ALL OVER MAH FACE 'CAUSE WHEN YA HIT MEH, IT'S GONNA SLIDE RIGHT OFF, LIKE, MMM... AND I'LL LOOK AT YA, LIKE, "NOW I'M MAD."  
*Lars looks away, ashamed, and Steven sighs*  
Steven: Now help me get them to the car.  
*Steven and Lars drag the moss-covered bodies into the car and buckle them in*  
Steven: We gotta get to the hill. Step on it!  
Lars: Uh, Steven, I don't know how to drive a stick shift.  
Steven: You’re fuckin useless. I'll work the stick, you just keep us on the road.  
Lars: Okay, alright, let's do this. Ignition!  
*Steven shifts the gear. The car jolts backward and reverses all the way back onto the road. Lars starts driving towards the hill as the moss engulfs the back of the car*  
Lars: Jenny's gonna kill MEEEEEE! What's gonna happen when we get to the top of that hill?  
Steven: Bitch I don't know!  
Lars: You don't know?!  
Steven: Just take us there.   
Lars: Huh? Aaaah! It's getting everywhere! Woah!  
*Lars and Steven momentarily lose control of the car, until they bump into a large truck, leaving a dent in it, but straighten them back on their path*  
Steven: Nani!  
Lars: We're almost there.   
*They eventually reach and park the car near the top of the hill*   
Lars: What do we do now?  
Steven: We got to get up there! You need me to tell you how to do everything?!  
*Steven and Lars start dragging the bodies up the hill, but the moss progressively engulfs them as well, slowing them down*  
Lars: I'm... getting stuck!  
Steven: It’s been bad knowing you.  
*The moss completely engulfs Steven and Lars' bodies, leaving their faces, and immobilizes them*  
Lars: Steven...  
Steven: What?  
Lars: ... This sucks!   
*Lars is completely engulfed by the moss*  
Steven: Laaaaar——   
*Steven gets engulfed too. All seems lost, as the moss-covered bodies lay still on the hill. Just then, the clouds begin to clear and the sun starts shining in. Pink flowers begin to blossom all over the moss and float away. The group is freed from the moss as they gasp for air. Steven and Lars watch over the edge of the hill as the pink flowers fill the sky*  
Jenny: Ughh, what happened?  
Sour Cream: I think I died.  
Jenny: Guys, look!  
*Jenny, Sour Cream, and Buck rush to the edge of the hill*   
Jenny, Sour Cream, and Buck: Woah!  
*The group watches as the flowers waft gently in the sunset all over Beach City*  
Sour Cream: You can see all of Beach City from up here.  
Buck: It's beautiful.  
Jenny: Yeah... how did we even get here?  
Lars: Well, Steven thought that—  
Steven: Lars fucked me here.  
Jenny, Sour Cream and Buck: Oh yeah, Lars! Super cool.  
Sour Cream: I can totally rave to this.  
Jenny and Buck: Go go go...   
*Sour Cream starts raving.*  
Buck and Jenny: Sour Cream! Sour Cream!  
*Steven attempts to suck Lars’ dick. Instead, Lars sucks Steven’s dick*  
THE END


End file.
